Freya Graf [00:00:00]:

This program is brought to you by Pussy Magnets.

Freya Graf [00:00:10]:

Welcome. Welcome. My lovely lumps. Or should I say lovely labs? I'm so thrilled to have you here in the labia lounge to yawn about all things, sexuality, womanhood, holistic health, and everything in between. Your legs. Can never help myself. Anyway, we're gonna have vag loads of real chats with real people about real shit. So buckle up. You're about to receive the sex ed that you never had and have a bloody good laugh while you're at it. Before we get stuck in, I'd like to respectfully acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which I'm recording this, the Minang people, It's an absolute privilege to be living and creating dope podcast content on Nunga Country, and I pay respect to their elders past, present, and emerging.

Freya Graf [00:00:58]:

Now if you're all ready, let's flap and do this.

Freya Graf [00:01:02]:

Oh, god. Is there such thing as too many vagina jokes in the 1 intro? Whatever. I'm leaving it in. It's my podcast. Was a piece of shit. Shit. Far out, woman. What's got Sandy Mclellan now? Sandy Mclellan. Hey, lady. You'll love bugs. Welcome back to the lounge. I have a darling guest, Lexi, today from alive to enjoy,

Freya Graf [00:01:46]:

and I think I went on your podcast, like, what, 2 or 3 years ago, Lex?

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:01:51]:

Yeah. 2 years ago.

Freya Graf [00:01:53]:

Yeah. Wow. So I've finally gotten around to returning the favor and getting her on. And we're gonna we're gonna do a bit of a sand in my clam episode, but I'm sure the conversation will kinda meander around to a few different topics because, yeah, this bitch has heaps to talk about, and we are really aligned on a lot of things. And There's a freaking fly. Got it. So do you wanna just give a little intro to yourself, Lexi, and and talk about what you do you're passionate about.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:02:24]:

Yeah. So I'm a love embodiment coach, helping singles, finding a love that feels like home and really nourishing and safe. I also am an international retreat host, which brings me the most joy of bringing people together, traveling, learning about themselves. I think that's also much fun, a writer, and a vibe curator. Some all over the all over the place. So, basically, they just love connecting with humans and reminding them of their joy.

Freya Graf [00:02:53]:

So beautiful. I love that you really like practice what you preach and you really live live your message, I suppose, sound a little bit cliche and wanky. But, yeah, I'm always loving seeing what you're getting up to and hopefully, we can meet in person 1 day. I'd love to do a retreat with you of some kind.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:03:15]:

That would be epic, a woman's retreat.

Freya Graf [00:03:18]:

Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I can see that being pretty fun. So when was spitballing about topics you mentioned something that really, like, resonated with me. And I was like, oh, that's so relatable. I feel like a lot of people probably have some version of this or similar experiences. And it's that you were mentioning that when you were 18, you still hadn't had sex yet. And you felt, like, all of this pressure because, obviously, people are probably like, oh, that's too old. Like, I can't believe you haven't had sex. What a frigid. What a prude. I'm imagining. And, you know, it really gets sand in my clam that this, like, external pressure culturally or societally leads to these internal beliefs that we have about our own personal timeline and when we're ready for something. And then that kinda influences us to do things sexually before we're ready. And it doesn't even have to be sexually, like, often it's, you know, peer pressure around, I don't know, like smoking or drinking or whatever. But, yeah, like, we'll often do sexual stuff before we're ready, and then potentially have, like, a shitty, formative experience because we're not ready, and it's not with someone that's really for an honoring, and then that sets us up for failure in future sexual encounters. So do you wanna have a little, like, chat about your experience with I'd hate, like, losing your virginity as, like, a term, but, you know, back in the nineties, that's kinda how we -- Yeah. -- talked about it. Yeah. Exactly.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:05:01]:

A little back story is I grew up with a single dad, so my mom left when I was 5. And so I just immediately didn't have any femininity in my life. My dad does not have any emotional capacity, even though he's a great guy. He didn't know what he was doing or didn't know how to, like, help me win that whole realm. So I just always felt shame and confusion around my sexuality, my body, my period. I even got my period late. It was, like, 16 when I got my period. So -- Wow. -- so much unknown. I had my first kiss when I was 16 too, another 1 that, like, let me just get this over with because Yeah. And I just -- Mhmm. -- basically was so shy and and nervous of boys because I didn't really know. And then I had this abandonment wound for my mom. And then I just remember everyone talking about, like, sex, and I just made me, like, so I was like, what how do you know what to do? But without even being able to say any of these questions to people because I just felt so nervous. And, also, at this point, I'd already developed a bunch of shame because I heard everyone else having sex, and I wasn't. And I can even, like, attract a guy to ask me out. So I was, like, just so yeah. So not good. And so finally, I was like, I'm 18. I'm about to finish high school, and I still had sex. Like, what's wrong with me? And I bet I could just get this over with. Like, yeah, I was the prude girl and just didn't feel good. And I was I just felt like something was wrong with me. Like, didn't even get asked out really on home comings or, you know, these dances that we have here in America. And then finally, I Yeah. I was, like, re I was drinking 1 night, and I was pretty much blacked out. And I know I don't really even remember it, to be honest, but I remember it was, like, someone's parents bed, and then there was, like, blood on it afterwards. And the guy was, like, wait. Was this your first time, and I remember being like, no. No. No. No. It wasn't. And, like, denying it and then, like, changing the like, he left and then, like, change the sheets around so they wouldn't be able to tell and just feeling shame and, like, I don't even really remember what happened after that. It's, like, the only part I remember. And then I was like, sort of relieved because he was really hot, but yeah. But it was still just like, okay. This is done with, but now I still don't understand what sex is. Like, I don't even really remember it, and that just, like, brought me more shame because I don't even remember it. And so, yeah, it was just a lot of, like, heaviness and confusion, and sex wasn't this, like, magical experience and liberating and, like, safe and love filled. It was just, like, something to, like, check off the list because I'm about to be in the college. And I -- Oh my god. -- help this pressure. Yeah.

Freya Graf [00:07:53]:

Yeah. Oh, it breaks my heart. Oh my god, Dave. Even just the, like, because we don't have as much of I guess, like, in Australia, we don't have homecoming or from or any of those sort of things. So there's a lot less opportunity to feel like, oh my god. No 1 asked me to be their date. Like, obviously, there's still rejection and, you you know, you feel like guys aren't attracted to you or interested in you as much and stuff when you're a teenager, but it's not as, like, starkly obvious because there aren't these, like, big occasions that everyone gets, like, insanely dressed up for and, like, you need a date for, like, I've just seen it in movies, and I'm like, fuck. That sounds horrible. Yeah. For everyone except the really popular, like, attractive people that are all kinda, like, running the show and getting dates and stuff like it. Yeah. It feels that just, like, made me wince a little bit for, like, call, like, young Lexi who, you know, is already struggling with maybe some self esteem and some self worth and some abandonment. Like, fuck. What a recipe for insecurity and, like, no wonder you just wanted to get it out of the way and and tick it off.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:09:10]:

Yeah. No. It wasn't fun. My high school in particular was, like, very clicky and Yeah. Yeah. It was just not fun. It wasn't a safe space.

Freya Graf [00:09:20]:

Yeah. Totally. I remember being incredibly nervous and just super shy around like, intimacy and, like, I did not probably didn't have my first kiss until I was, like, 15. And it was with a boyfriend that I with for, like, quite a few months before I even felt, like, you know, ready to kiss him. But before that, I'd, like, you know, gone out with dudes for you know, a couple of days at a time. Because in school, it was just like, will you go out with me? And then if you said, yes, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. And that you didn't even go out. You were just like, that was official then. And then they'd always wanna kiss, and I would freak out and dump them. And, like, we had these things. We had kiss me bands and fuck me bands. And they were like, I don't know if you had this, It's really hench when I think about what it was. But, like, the kiss me bands were made from this, like, plastic kind of, like, seal insert that's in the top of, like, soft drink bottles, and you would like chew out the center and get this ring of plastic and then, like, slowly, like, stretch it with your fingers until it was just this thin little, like, pale blue plastic band that you put around your wrist. And if someone broke it, it felt like the boys would all come up and try to, like, break this kiss me band. And if they broke it, then you had to kiss them. It's so ridiculous and weird. Like, I don't know if this was just my school or just Australia. Then the fuck me bands were like, I don't even wear know where we got them, but they were thicker and harder to break. But, like, yeah, I was always just, like, shielding my wrists and because you had to wear them. Otherwise, you were cool, but, like, I didn't want anyone to break 1 because then you get put in this position of peer pressure. And it was usually on the school bus where, like, everyone's watching and being like, oh, so and so broke free is fuck me bad. And I'm mortified when I think about that. Like, no wonder I was terrified and, like, really resistant and hesitant Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:11:22]:

That's awful.

Freya Graf [00:11:24]:

Yeah. I've actually completely forgotten about that. Do what you just said?

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:11:29]:

It's so weird that, like, unnecessary pressure, we're all just, like, confused, and we don't have proper sex ed in school, and it were just, like, yeah, trying to figure it out, but are also, like, going through puberty. It's just so confusing. Because I hate that it's just so ashamed, like, like, it would be so much better if we just, like, had normal conversation with our parents and friends about it when we were young, so we don't feel this way.

Freya Graf [00:11:53]:

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I just feel like it's such a big deal, and it such a delicate time, like, we're going through puberty. We're, like, figuring out who we are. We're developing a sense of self and confidence and self worth. And most I feel like most teenagers, especially women, have pretty crappy first experiences. Like, it's really rare to hear of a good 1, actually. And so it's just devastating because then it sets them up you know, for, like, wanting to have low standards in the bedroom and kinda just think, oh, that's normal. Like, it's not about my pleasure. It's meant to hurt. You know, like, foreplay just wasn't even a thing. Like yeah. So I'm wondering, like, after that, time where you just got it out of the way when you're 18 and you're drunk. Like, how did you proceed after that, like, in terms of intimacy and how do you think affected you that being your first time experience?

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:12:56]:

It was a lot of so after I went to a college, which it was a huge party school, And so it was I was blacked out, like, 4 days a week. And all of my sexual experiences from then were also drunk, And I remember some of them quite well and the others not as well. And my first, like, sober sex was junior year of college. So all the ones before that, it was definitely, like, also, it wasn't, like, going on a date first and having sex. It was just, like, yeah, like, party finding somewhere. Those like, I also didn't have that much sex. It was just a few like, I think I have sex once my freshman year, And then my junior year, maybe if or my sophomore year I know it's different for you guys, though. That's just what we call it in America, but Yeah. A few times my sophomore year and junior year, and then I had, like, all consistent hookup, and that was the 1 I was sober never want to call me as a girlfriend, though, but we're together 6 months, like, every single day together. So That was, like, the first, like, like, sort of safe I felt and more, like, started to understand pleasure a little bit more, but it was still Yeah. Sex was never like this, like, beautiful thing for me. It was more yeah. And just like a I feel like I should and once again put more shame. My son dated anyone yet, even though I was, like, dating this guy, we didn't wanna, like, actually date me. And even, like, told my friends once, like, I would never date Lexi. And it was, like, What the like, I didn't know this till afterwards. He said this, like, after we've been together for, like, 5 months, and you told her and she didn't even tell me till, like, 2 years later. And I was like, Oh my god. Like, literally, what is going on with me. Right? So, yeah, sex was just it was just not very a fun thing for me. And I I didn't even wanna share my body with many people because these men were so gross at my school. There's, like, such frat boys. So, yeah, it's sex has just been, like, a weird thing until very more recently. Like yeah. The last few years. Yeah.

Freya Graf [00:15:11]:

Yeah. Wow. Fine. That sounds horrific.

Freya Graf [00:15:15]:

I wonder, like, how what was the turning point? Like, did you start to heal your kind of relationship with sexuality and, like, learn how to feel pleasure and feel comfortable and confident in your body? Because I know that you've, like, told me you've had massive periods of celibacy, but that didn't mean that you weren't also really sensual and sexual and embodied. Did you, like, self pleasure or, like, nothing at all? Like, how did you kinda come to, like, healing, you know, around sex?

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:15:45]:

Yeah. I was until after college where I had some, like, good girlfriends, and they taught me that girls can masturbate, which I literally had no idea that was a thing. I was like, wait. Why? And then I remember trying to do it. And I was like, it doesn't work. Like, I'm broken. Like, it's not working for me. And then later, I found out, like, I actually did have an orgasm. I just didn't know that was it. And, yeah, I was just super confused and also so ashamed on, like, I don't even like, my girlfriend's like, I I masturbate every day. I'm like, what? So I still like and I had so much shame on my yoni just like how it looked and just no connection to it. And I think, like, living in Australia, like, changed my entire life, but I started to connect with so many more open minded people and learn about my femininity. And then I did a yoga training, and that was the first time I, like, connecture with my body, like, not realizing that I have a body and, like, I get out of my mind and started going through my trauma. And so much unraveled from there. And then I think it was just being inspired by like, then I was like, oh, yeah. No one's coming into my body. Like, this thing is precious, and and then I started to just fall. See, like, these women on Instagram that were so empowered, and I was like, How is that even possible? Like, you know, how how can they be like that? And I thought, like, oh, they're just it's just they're lucky or they had good parents or I, like, made up all these stories. And I realized, like, oh, wait. We all have the same shit. It just took some work. And so then I just started to do some, like, self love practices or to, like, try to get into my pleasure more. And then I had my first boyfriend when I was 23, 20 24 or something. So it was still really late, and it was not even, like, how I got into a relationship. It was that we were good friends, and I felt like okay. My standards are too high. I must just I should just get into this relationship because I've only had sex in, like, 2 years. And I haven't dated anyone, so I think, like, I'm just superficial. This is what people are, like, telling me, and I'm, like, internalizing it. And then I'm finally realizing like, I wasn't even really a track it to my first boyfriend, but nor was I, like, emotionally. But I was like, okay. He, like, really loves me and he wants it. So, like, maybe I should. And I did that, and he did teach me, like, a lot about loving myself, and he loved my yoni, and, like, he he showed me a a sense of love that I didn't know it was possible, and so I learned that from him. And and then I just, yeah, started, like, learning more from these these women that were inspiring me on Instagram, like, doing the things they were saying online and just starting to develop a better relationship with my body and with this partner I had, he also like, we had really beautiful and, like, amazing sex. Well, what I thought was the best I could have, but, like, it was finally, like, something that was more safe. And so, yeah, that showed me, like, oh, wait. Sex is a little bit different than what I've experienced.

Freya Graf [00:18:42]:

Hey, babe, town. So sorry to interrupt, but I simply have to pop my head into the lounge here and mention another virtual lounge that you've gotta get around. It's the labia lounge Facebook group that I've created for listeners of the potty to mingle in. And there you'll find extra bits and bobs like freebies or discounts for offerings from guests who've been interviewed on the podcast inspiring and thought provoking conversations and support from a community of labial legends. So head over to the links in the show notes, and I'll hopefully see you in there. And now back to the episode.

Freya Graf [00:19:19]:

Mhmm. Yeah. Yes. Crazy like what we learned to just think is normal and as good as it gets. And then, yeah, I I find it, like, really frustrating and sad how low so many women's standards are. And, like, you know, even just that there's this trend on TikTok that I've been hearing about where people are calling out their beige flags. So, like, instead of red flags that are really obvious, like, with dudes, they're talking about beige flags that their partners have, which are, like, kind of not super bad, but not great either. And I'm like, well, firstly, what a fucking boring topic, just like beige flags. Like, why? But then you start seeing what these people are talking about as being beige, and you're hey. That's a fucking bright red flag. Like, the fact that your standards are so low and you've settled for such you know, such a subpar kind of level of relating and intimacy and connection, like, is really sad because those beige flags might seem beige to you, but to me who, like, you know, knows what's possible and what you should be expecting for yourself. Like, they're red. They're totally red flags. Like, why the fucking guys are getting away with, like, just such pathetic efforts. And it's because we don't value ourselves enough. We don't know that it's possible. Like, we don't hold them to a high enough standard. And I'm not, like, man hating, but it's just it's true. Like, we are settling for so much less than what we deserve and so much less than what men are capable of. Like, you know, it's yeah, it's such a shame, and it's such a shitty culture where we're really getting the roar end of the stitch.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:21:06]:

Yeah. It's it's it's crazy, and I learned that. You know, I started to really learn that in that relationship too and just see, like, oh, wait. It wasn't my standards that were wrong. It was just that yeah. It's just what I actually like, people don't have standards. What I realized. Like, oh, okay. It's different here, and a lot of these men don't have them like, don't change because no woman is telling them to. So why would they changed. I don't know any better, and and I realize it's my responsibility to set boundaries and to tell them how I'm it's making me feel into that's where I learned about my codependency and my people pleasing. And I realized, like, oh, like, I should actually be using my voice in these situations and -- Mhmm. And and then I, you know, also, yeah, learned about my sexuality and, like because I've always I remember when I first, like, went bra free and it felt so liberating, but, like, my boob size, you're not allowed to be bra free, quote unquote, because they're too big and and then then I did this 1 program, and I just learned about, like, the patriarchy and misogyny and and realized that, like, my body is my body and how much conditioning there is and It's just there's so much to it. But, yeah, it's -- Yeah. -- fascinating. Mhmm.

Freya Graf [00:22:21]:

I think, like, being being someone who who really stands by, you know, your boundaries and your standards and, like, leading by example and and sort of Yeah. Not just settling is super important because you do get peer pressured to settle. A lot of people who are in kind of situationships or, like, kinda shit relationships that aren't really meeting their needs, but, you know, they don't have standards, and they think that's all that they can get, and they think that that's all that men are capable of. You know, they don't like to see anyone else doing anything different because then it makes them look at they're in situations. So, like, it's really common. I find, like, among women to have, like, pressure being like, oh, you're just being too fussy. Oh, your standards are too high. Like, who do you think you are to be, like, trying to, you know, get more than the rest of us or, like, think that you deserve more. And I think that's such bullshit. And it's just another form of, like, crappy, you know, peer pressure coming from conditioning and if you're kinda, like, holding men to higher standards and you're showing, like, you know, those around you what you expect and what you deserve, like, it's a bit of a transmission that you're providing to them as well. But, you know, I find, like, certain friendship circles or certain, like, just kind of, like, pockets of society, like, it's so normalized. It's so fucking normalized for, like, the women to all get together and bitch and whine about their husbands and, you know, have friendships among their girlfriends, and then their husbands are just for, like, I guess, like, you know, having a obligatory sex with and having kids with and providing or whatever. And, you know, they're not actually friends with their like, they're constantly frustrated and, like, settling for shit behavior. And then the husbands are like, oh, my wife's so naggy and blah blah blah. And then they talk with the boys. And it's such an outdated kinda dynamic. And I forget that it still exists, but it's actually still, like, way more common than what I see as normal and what I'm used to. And it's so sad because, like, where I grew up in a little country town, that was normal. And if I had stayed there and if I had stayed in my kind of earlier relationships, that would be where I'd be at. And I'd be kind of gossiping among my girlfriends and winching about my husband or ex husband by that point, probably. And it's just yeah. It sucks because we're kind of not bringing 1 another up, like, we have a tendency to try to keep everyone else down with us if we're kind of down. So it's great that you kinda, like, yeah, tapped out of all of that and and learned how to value yourself more highly. And then, of course, you start attracting men that are gonna be able to meet you there because, like, you're not settling and you're not saying yes to, like, anything that's not honoring and feeling great for you.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:25:22]:

Yeah. And it's I mean, there's so many layers to that. But, yeah, definitely, like, there's so much repetition of the cycle. And when you do stand out, like, you're you there's a lot of loneliness and not settling. Like, let me tell you, it is not easy. Like, first off, there's a sadly, there's a smaller market of people and also, like, people to resonate with you even on, like, a friendship level. It's hard. And so, you have to be okay with, like, the solitude, and that can be really challenging. And then you start questioning yourself, like, is this even possible? But that's why it's I found it so important to have either actual friends that are in healthy loving relationships or have expanders online where it's like, well, you know, you never really know, but you can feel it. I can feel it at least, like, of people that are in these good relationships, and that, like, would anchor me in, like, okay. This is possible? How can I hold the vision of what I always known has been true in my heart? Like, I've always dreamed of, like, such an extraordinary love. And so it's really about, like, holding the faith that, like, if I can show up in that way in partnership, why would I not be able to have someone able to match me? Like, that's impossible. For not. Like, we know how a lot of attraction works in this world. So, like, of course, it's possible. But, yeah, you have to go through some loneliness. And then just, like, the tests you get with men for me, men, how close they are, but, like, they're not it. And you have to say no. And, like, The universe is just so funny and tricky, but, yeah, I think it's really important to just remember too, like, when you're holding on to someone that's not satisfied with find you. Like, you're also withholding them from finding a love that's actually aligned with them. So you're doing both of you a disservice, and it's I think it's just so important to remember, like, there are really aligned people for us and to trust in that.

Freya Graf [00:27:09]:

Yeah. I think trusting in it is just the trickiest part, especially when it's going on for a long time and the universe keeps sending you, like, you know, not quite right, and you're like, oh, maybe this is the last chance I'll get. Maybe this is as good as it gets. And maybe I'm being too fussy, and I expecting too much, and I should stop being an uppity bitch and just fucking be happy with my lot. And it's, like, such a vicious mindset to have, but it's kind of encouraged. Like, especially in Australia, we have a lot of tall poppy syndrome, so it's really encouraged to stay small and not to try to reach or strive or be too ambitious because everyone around you is gonna be like, stop growing so tall and drag you down because then it makes them feel bad about their situation or reflect on, like, what they've settled for, that they're not really happy for, happy about. And and I just feel like, you know, so many men, like, actually do want to do better and have deeper connections. But, you know, if we're not holding them to a higher standard, and we're not kinda, like, showing them what we need from them. We're just allowing like, you know, we're kinda perpetrating this same dynamic to just continue on indefinitely, and neither of us are learning. We're not feeling satisfied. You know, they're kinda getting getting off pretty lightly without and it's, like, it's a disservice to them as well because it's, like, so possible for men to meet us in a space of, like, depth and emotional intimacy and connection. And deep down, that's what they want. Obviously, not all of them. But, yeah, it's, like, a bit of a travesty that, like, we're not expecting more of men, and therefore, they're not having to try harder or to grow. Whereas, we're constantly expecting more of ourselves and trying to change and fit into different shapes for you know, other people and to be attractive and to attract a partner and stuff like this. And it's just really, like, imbalanced, I I think.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:29:13]:

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I think we forget. Like, I learned a lot in this last relationship I was in that yes, the masculine leads, if you let him, like, in a typical masked and feminine role, but, like, our feminine leads through spirituality and through the standards and, like, can guide the the masculine to to show you like, you teach him how to treat a woman almost in some ways, and, like, you Like you're saying, like, you help him learn that, like, he can actually do better, and that fulfills him so much more knowing he can be a better provider. Take care of you better. And, like, they actually love that feeling. They just have never experienced it and slash a lot of men do not have self development communities and friendships like us women do, where we're always bouncing ideas off each other and learning from each other. Like, men sadly don't have that. And it's not that they don't want that. They they really do, but it's we have to lead in a feminine way and also not like a nagging, like, you need to do this. You need to do that because that's not inspiring either, but it's really like a art form of of the union of you 2. Like, we're both teaching each other things too, and he taught me more how to be in my feminine. I was I thought I was quite feminine, but I was a lot of ways, I wasn't in still in my feminine, which is obviously hard nowadays with us. Women also having our own businesses and being entrepreneurs. And I was masked in my whole life because I grew up with a single dad and, like, I was super independent. And, yeah, it's just it's not saying that that's the only way to do relationships, but I do find, like, such beauty in that, like, polarity of the masculine and feminine energy. And, like, really, like, we're just so uneducated on how to do it.

Freya Graf [00:30:50]:

Yeah. And there's another thing that I wanted to touch on before we wrap up that you'd mentioned because it kinda goes back to What I was talking about with, you know, when our formative experiences of sex or intimacy are shit or dishonoring or unconscious because we're not really in our power and choosing. We're kind of either pressured or we're too drunk to really make it informed decision or we don't remember it or whatever. Our bodies, like, the more those experiences happen, which is so common throughout college, uni, like, when we're younger. Like, it's it's just really common. It's really mainstream to be having pretty disempowering sexual experiences, not that we think of them as disempowering at the time. We're too fucking young to even grasp what an empowering experience might be because we're just like, we're fucking adults. We're having sex. We're empowered. We're like, you know, we're not. And what what happens, like, what I see with a lot of clients who are coming to me, like, with vaginismus and with painful sex and with, like, difficulties, orgasming and all of this stuff. Like, it's stemming from basically ignoring the body's needs and not being a good gate gatekeeper for Alione, and you it started experiencing with, like, a particular partner. Like, your vagina was, like, closing up. Like, do you wanna, like, tell us about that?

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:32:13]:

Yeah. That was really interesting because yeah. That was my first long term partner. It was the first time, like, really was feeling good and sex, but then I started to notice, like, I mean, our relationship was going to shit. Lots of emotional views. He was super depressed. To the point of suicidal, and I felt like I had to stay because he was suicidal. And then it was just, like, when we had sex, it was, like, it would be good in the moment to be the only time of the day where he was, like, really present with me and really, like, slow, and I was like, oh, wow. I feel so loved and seen. But as soon as the, like, orgasm happened, out of the bed, room, like, ran off, and 0 aftercare. And I didn't know in the moment, but I was just like, this feels like shit. And, like, I feel like I'm being used for sex, and I'm like, why don't you give me like, even how he kissed me was different while we were having sex. Like, I was, like, actually passionate and And all the other time, just, like, quick pack by, and I slowly towards, like, the middle of the relationship, like, my vagina actually closed off. Like, a hundred percent, she was like, no. And he he was quite wealthy, and so he took me to, all these different doctors, he's like, let's figure this out because he had a very high sex drive and, like, no sex for him was like, not good. So that was another thing that was not aligned. Like, I wasn't even trying, like, to have sex because I didn't even feel good in the relationship. Right? So he took me all these doctors, and they were like, there's nothing wrong. Like, you just have a really tight pussy. Like, try a dilators. And I was like, I don't know. And then we went to pelvic floor therapist, and, like, they were both, like, inside massaging my pussy. And it was it was, like, a fun experience, honestly, but still. Nothing was really happening. And then I was just, like, whatever. And then we finally got a couples therapist, and she was teaching us, like, why don't you just, like, non sexually touch each other and we try this exercise? And, oh my god, my whole body softened so much and was just, like, Woah. Like, I was soaking wet. I was like, wow. I should wanna have sex with you now. And so I was like, oh, maybe it's a safety thing. But then, like, legit a week later, I couldn't do it anymore. I broke up with him. And right after that, I like, literally, I was open. Like, the doors were open. I was safe again, and it was this such a crazy experience. And I was like, wow. My my lovely, thankful body was just protecting me because, like, this was not a safe relationship, and and my your body is always telling you, like, always, always, always. And I also, like, broke out in, like, this massive rash like, 2 months prior. Like, there's so many things happening in my body that were like, alert. Alert. You do not feel safe, and I'm just, like, bulldozing it and not even sure what's happening. And and yeah. And so it's it's like, our womb are so wise. There's so much wisdom in there, and the more that we can like, be in tune with it and listen to the her and yeah. It's really important. Like, safety is, like, the essential for its sex and don't think most women have even experienced safe. Like, a lot of whom I've talked to, my friends, I have a friend that she hasn't even been able to have sex because her pussy is so tight, and she keeps choosing men that are unsafe, and she's it's just oh, it makes me so sad. Makes me so sad. No.

Freya Graf [00:35:36]:

Yeah. Me too. It's just Yeah. It's really heartbreaking. And so many women have, like, the bad boy king where they're, like, they they, you know, on a shallow surface level are attracted to the bad boy and the danger and the the risk and the mystery, but actually, like, you know, have probably never experienced true safety and don't understand the value of that and, like, how that translates to our nervous system, and our and our vagina, our orgasm. It's so dependent on safety. And sure, you can probably have some pretty, like, kinky, exciting experiences without safety, especially if you're that way inclined, which you know, also often comes from different wounds from when you're younger and trauma. I'm not gonna go there though. But it's just really sad to me that, you know, we don't understand how important safety is, you know, in the role that it plays in our pleasure and feeling feeling secure enough to surrender, feeling safe enough to surrender. And what a massive difference that makes, like, in terms of vulnerability, intimacy and deeper connection and then having access to deeper pleasure and orgasmic experiences through that vulnerability and that surrender. Like, it's so fucking important, and our bodies are so wise. Like, if we're not giving it that safety, you know, often, eventually, it makes the decision for us and it clamps up. And then we have, like, vaginismus. We have, you know, these issues with, like, alvagina just being, Nope. I don't wanna let anyone in. And, you know, your body all of a sudden is like it's really, you know, discordant with, like, what your mind is trying to tell to do and try you know, you're putting it in all these positions that doesn't wanna be in, and it eventually turns on you. And it's like, alright. Well, I'm just gonna have to take control. And then we wind up with these, you know, painful sex and these, like, patterns of contraction. And it's funny because most people will, like, go through all of these other things that it could be, and they'll go to the pelvic floor specialist, and they'll go to, like, the doctors and the Guyanese and stuff being like, what's going on? What's wrong with me? And it's probably, in a lot of cases, just as simple as, like, you know, there isn't enough safety or there hasn't been enough safety and we're not being gatekeepers to our our unis, and our bodies just decided enough. Like, it doesn't wanna be continuously put in these situations, so don't feel safe for honoring or respectful.

Freya Graf [00:38:12]:

Excuse the interruption, my loves, but I'm shamelessly seeking reviews and 5 star ratings for the potty because as I'm sure you've noticed by now, it's pretty fab. And the more people who get to hear it, the more people it can help. Reviews and ratings help me carry favor with the algorithmic gods and get suggested to other listeners to check out. Plus, they made me feel really good and appreciate as I continue to pull my heart and soul into creating this baby for you. And I promise I don't mads over them or anything. I mostly just just tuck them away for a rainy day when I'm filled with self doubt and existential dread about being self employed, which is fairly frequently So you see, leaving your review really does make a difference, and it's an easy little active support that you can take in just a minute or 2 by either going to Spotify and leaving 5 stars for the show, or writing a written review and leaving 5 stars over on Apple Podcasts. Choose your poison or if you're a real retriever, you could do both. Well, now. If you are writing a review just be sure to only use g rated words because despite the fact that this is a podcast about sexuality, words like sex can be censored, and your review won't actually show up. Lane. Anyway oh, what was that? Oh, you're gonna go do it right now while I wait. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. No. That's a great idea. May as well just quickly click that 5 star button before we get on with it and, you know, like, forget about it and get on with your day. I'm I'm oh, I'm hearing them roll in. I'm hearing those pop stars. Oh my god. I make myself cringe. Anyway, Thank you much, Lee. Your total gem, and I'll let you get back to the episode now.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:39:55]:

Yeah. It's actually crazy that it that simple and that it's so sad that not even the doctors realize that. But I do wanna share 1 beautiful experience with my last partnership He I've never felt so safe in in romantic or physical intimacy, and he would do after care. Like, I've never had ever in my life where after first off, his main priority was to give me pleasure. Like, my orgasms mattered like, he didn't even care to orgasm. He just wanted me to orgasm, was like, holy. Like, this is new. This is amazing. And then the my favorite part was afterwards. He would hold me for as long as I wanted, like, just in silence. And, literally, my body would soften to a level never soften before. And I'd be like, okay. Like, you don't have to anymore. He's like, no. No. No. As long as you want, I'll be here. And I was like, wait. What is happening? And It was just so beautiful, and I it was the first, like, true moments of surrender in my body, not in my mind, but, like, full body surrender. And I'm just just knowing that that was happening every time after we had sex was so healing. And I'm like, wow. The amount of woman that have probably never experience this, and it feels so good to feel that safe in sex because it makes it a whole different experience and, like, Yeah. It was just really beautiful.

Freya Graf [00:41:28]:

Oh my god. It's so healing. It's so fucking healing. And it's it's sad that, like, most of us do have that initial kind of, like, training or response in us that's like, ah, Oh, that's enough. You've cuddle me long enough. That's okay. You don't have to do that anymore. Like, I don't wanna take take too much time. I'll be too needy or demanding. Like, we have this, like, internal clock that's just like, alright. That's enough now. But he was just, like, reassuring you, like, no. Take as much time as you need, and, like, there's something so healing about, like, every single time being reassured that it's okay and you're not asking too much. And like it is, it's devastating that not that many women will actually get that experience. And also not many men will have the experience of Knowing, like, the this really deep, like, beautiful feeling of being able to hold space for someone and allow someone to soften and and go into the most vulnerable place in themselves because of you know, their presence. Like, that's such a gift to be able to give, and that obviously makes us feel amazing when we give gifts. So, like, the men that are really good at this. Like, they get just as much, if not more, value and pleasure and, like, it's, like, affirming to them as like a man and as a person to be able to provide that for you. So it's kinda like this 2 way street, and that's what a lot of us don't realize is, like, we think we're taking too much or we're asking too much of this other person. But, like, a lot of the time, they're, like, really getting a lot from it as well because, you know, your vulnerability and your trust is a gift for them, and that helps them feel better about themselves too.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:43:10]:

Yeah. Yeah. Men love it. Like, they And they he he, especially, like, it brought him so much joy to be that for me, and And and I didn't even know that was possible or, you know, available. He taught taught me that, and so it's just so beautiful. Like, when men It's it's that's what I'm saying. It's not like men are evil or women. It's just like we just are not educated on these things. Yeah.

Freya Graf [00:43:34]:

Yeah. Totally.

Freya Graf [00:43:36]:

Yeah. Okay. Well, beautiful. Great chat. I feel like we've covered a few different things from where we started. Thank you so much, Lexi.

Lexy from Alive To Enjoy [00:43:45]:

Thank you so fun.

Freya Graf [00:43:48]:

I'm gonna pop links to your work in the show notes. Everyone should check out Lexi's works just, yeah, just to ray of sunshine and also authenticity, which I really value. Like, it's no bullshit. And, yeah, she's really raw and and vulnerable and honest with, like, the way she shares and and shows herself in the world, which I feel like is fucking rare on social media. So, yeah, I really appreciate that when I say that in someone else. Thank you. Thanks, everyone.

Freya Graf [00:44:18]:

And that's it, darling Hearts. Thank you for stopping by the Lady Lounge. Your bum group in the couch will be right where you left it, just waiting for you to sink back in for some more double l action next time. And in the meantime, if you'd be a dear and subscribe, share this episode, or leave a review on iTunes, then you can pat yourself on the snatch because That, my dear, is a downright act of sex positive feminist activism. And you'd be supporting my vision to educate, empower, demystify and destigmatize with this new podcast. Also, I'm always open to feedback, topic ideas that you'd love to hear covered, or guest suggestions. So feel free to get in touch via my website at freyograf dot com, or say hey over on Insta. My handle is Freya underscore Graph underscore YMT, and I seriously hope you're following me on that. Because damn, we have fun. We have fun. Anyway, later, Lady of Legends. I'll see you time.