Alright, folk!

Ever noticed that female orgasm and arousal can be super elusive or temperamental?

Duh, we all know how fickle and mercurial that sweet spot can be for us women. 

We are pretty aware that our bodies can not only take a decent chunk of time to slowly warm into this turned-on state in the first place, but can also go cold in a split second if conditions aren’t just right. 

So for lady-boner owners and lovers alike, it’s in your best interest to be aware of the things that can kill the mood for her so that you can avoid them!

(Plus knowing this will give you some clues as to how to get a lady boner too!)

Common things that kill a woman’s arousal dead in the water:

- Pressure on her orgasm.

Nothing makes it harder to cum than feeling that there is pressure and expectations around you doing it.
Pressure = Stress, Expectations = Overthinking, and Stress + Overthinking = NOT a Relaxing Environment Conducive to Arousal!!! And as we know, relaxation is essential for female arousal.

- Going too fast / Rushing her.

Female arousal takes time and builds at a much more gradual pace than male sexual arousaI. Our bodies take more time than men’s to get turned on and be ready for penetration. What’s the rush anyway?? If you’re rushing things a woman might start to feel as though they are just a necessary accessory to your pleasure. Isn’t her body and pleasure worth taking your time on, huh??

- Going straight to the genitals.

Honour and touch her whole body to relax her, make her feel worshipped, and build arousal slowly because female arousal occurs gradually from the outside inwards, and the genitals should be approached last. Read more about why this is the case in this post about why you shouldn’t go straight for the pussy!

- Jakchammer boning / friction based sex.

Jackhammer boning feels good for dicks, but not so much for the vag… Ouch! So don’t be a dick and use yours properly for BOTH of your pleasure.

Note: If your partner is only able to experience please through super hardcore porn-like fucking and unable to keep an erection if you slow down and have sex in a more sensual way, there might be an underlying porn addiction or issue with the way he masturbates that’s making it very hard for his dick to feel much without the level of intensity that he’s used to.

I have a super fascinating and informative two-part podcast episode here about how to tell if your partner is addicted to porn and what to do about it if it’s effecting your sex life.

- Changing positions constantly or jumping about with your touch.

She needs sustained rhythmic motions/touch and consistency to build and expand her pleasure. I’m not saying you can’t change positions at all, but chill out with that porn-y karma sutra shit, hey?

- Touching her wet bits with dry hands

Anything grippy, dry or abrasive on the inner labia/moist bits of the vulva/vagina is gonna be an instant lady-boner killer. These parts are meant to be wet and enjoy slick, sliding, slippery sensations. Lube is your friend! (Read why else lube is necessary!)

- Sudden movements or new sexual acts without warning

Especially when it comes to kink, power play or pain based stuff if you haven’t talked with her specifically about this and agreed upon boundaries and approaches that you’re both comfortable with. Remember, her arousal is reliant on her relaxation and feeling safe and calm with you. So consent and proper preparation is necessary when introducing something new that might surprise or shock.

- Stressful or suboptimal contexts:

Eg. The lights are too bright and glaring, the sound of a crying child in the next room, smelly sheets, loud thrashy music, the risk of someone walking in at any moment, time constraints, coming straight from a highly stressful day at work, etc.

- Being cold.

Cold prevents relaxation and comfort, creates constriction and decreases blood flow to the pelvic bowl meaning erectile tissue has a harder time engorging. Therefore, less relaxation and pleasure for her - not ideal!

- Being distracted or in your head.

Any form of distraction, such as being in your head overthinking or your mind being elsewhere, makes it bloody hard to be present and in the moment. It also makes it hard to relax and surrender to allow pleasure to build or even be noticed in the body. Presence is essential to arousal.

- Not feeling totally and utterly worshipped, respected and desired

A woman needs to feel totally adored and seen, appreciated and valued. This makes all the difference when it comes to her feeling safe to surrender into her arousal and pleasure with you.
Feeling these things from a partner literally have an impact on her nervous system that then has a ripple effect on her arousal. She is most turned on when she feels worshipped and deeply desired. It also helps dismantle and discredit all the plethora negative and body-shaming messages she’s received via her conditioning and self criticism. Be lavish with your compliments and admiration.

- Lack of foreplay

Jumping into things too hastily without giving her enough whole body attention is detrimental to her lady-boner.
Yes, sometimes a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickie is fine and some women love this from time to time… BUT the way a woman’s body and arousal processes work means that it’s usually essential to warm her up gradually with all the foreplay and extra time and attention you can muster.
Her arousal processes take on average at least 30 minutes to really take place before she is ready for penetration. Plus foreplay helps with basically all of the above, so it’s pretty important to put ya back into it!

-When you’re distracted or emotionally absent, she can feel it

No elaboration necessary here.
She just can, mate.
And it feels shit, believe me.

So, as you can see, there’re a lot of no-nos when it comes to female arousal and pleasure!

I hope this helps you understand your, and/or your partner’s, body better and I can almost guarantee this info will help you be a better lover or chose a better lover now that you know what’s important for a brill sex life together!

Please share this article with your pals to help spread this important info and raise our bedroom standards collectively!
This should be common knowledge but unfortunately it is not,