Context dependent arousal - What does this really mean??

Well, ever noticed that sometimes, try as you might, you just can’t get aroused or manage to get in the zone in the bedroom?

Or maybe there’re times when you feel like the conditions are just right in your environment and it’s the perfect time to get jiggy, but you just can’t relax or stop your head thinking enough to actually get into it?

A woman’s arousaI is extremely context dependent. It is influenced by her external and internal environment enormously and so this can be helpful to know about when trying to create/help your partner create the best context in which to explore pleasure. 

External context:

So for example, keeping in mind that you need to be in your parasympathetic nervous system to become fully aroused (so feeling relaxed, calm, safe, etc), your immediate physical environment is one context that can influence your ability to feel turned on positively or negatively.

You can use this knowledge to assist arousaI by setting up the space with low, warm lighting, yummy, relaxing smells, candles or essential oils perhaps, relaxing or sexy music, warm temperature, soft textures, etc. All of these little details will help create a context conducive to to a woman’s arousaI.

Then there’s also the context of the greater environment, such as what’s going on in the rest of the house or outside the bedroom. 

Eg.

• Is the house a mess or does dinner need to be made, stat?

• Are there kids that could burst in the door at any moment?

• Is the baby monitor constantly going off and kickstarting your sympathetic nervous system?

• Is there a loud lawn mower going outside the window?

The greater external context can also include things like whether you’ve had a super stressful day at work, or if you’ve just had an argument with your partner, or there’s unresolved tension between you, or whether you’re under a lot of pressure in other ways that mean your stress levels are elevated and you’re going to find it hard to relax or not be distracted.

(This is kinda an internal context too because it impacts your mindset)

Internal context:

On top of those external factors that contribute to the context, there’s also your internal context which includes what mindset you’re in, your mood, whether you’re battling with mind chatter, self conscious thoughts, never-ending to-do lists running through your head, or negative self talk or insecurities.

This internal environment can all contribute to, and influence, your ability to relax and be fully present in the moment and open to pleasure.

So, as much as you can - because I know a lot of this isn’t always in your control - create a conducive context for yourself/your partner where you/they can feel relaxed and melt into the experience of intimacy and presence between the two of you. 

Then of course, there’s cyclic and hormonal context factors! Where you are at in your cycle effects how much you want to have sex and what kind of sex. Tracking your cycle and wording yourself and your partner up about cycle awareness and cycle syncing can be a great tool for working with your natural levels of fluctuating desire.

Tips for partners/lovers of women:

• The more you/they can immerse in this the better for both of you. Things like making her feel totally adored, desired, sexy, appreciated, admired, and valued through your words and body language can be huge for helping alleviate some of that vicious mind chatter that she may have going on telling her the opposite. 

  This is the first gate of the Seven Gates of Female Arousal. Study up!

  Women want to feel adored and desirable, like you find them the most beautiful and sexy thing ever! 

  This helps our internal context, so don’t be stingy with your adoration and admiration. 

  Obviously don’t give compliments you don’t mean whole heartedly, but definitely speak up about things you love and appreciate. 

  She will thrive on this, and feel more confident and more safe with you as a result.
  
  

• Read up about what can crush her arousal like an empty can of ‘booch!

• Factor in the info above about the physical environment to create a space that feels lush and relaxing for her.
  Going to that extra effort will also be a huge turn-on to her because it shows love, care, and thoughtfulness - And whadya know?! That’s also improving her internal context!

• Take into account where she is at in her cycle, and what’s going on for her in her life outside of the relationship or home. Engage with her intimately with an awareness of this in mind so that your timing and approach are aligned and on point.

So to conclude… 

You are NOT broken or abnormal if you don’t magically feel turned on or horny at the drop of a hat! (Read more about why in this post about responsive arousal vs. spontaneous arousal!)

You are NOT to blame if you can’t get into it or stay into it while you’re trying to get down to bizzznizzzz!

You are SO NORMAL if it takes a very specific sort of context for you to actually feel relaxed and safe enough to get aroused!

You are LIKE EVERY OTHER WOMAN if you aren’t in the mood or struggle to feel pleasure and arousal if you are stressed out, over-tired, over-worked, self conscious, anxious, self critical, over-thinky, too cold, too rushed, too distracted, too ANYTHING!!!

Seriously, that’s how our bodies and arousal systems are designed. 

Them’s the breaks, lovely lumps!

So let’s use this information to stop beating ourselves up, and start spreading this knowledge and educating our partners, children and friends alike so that we can ALL get better at working with women’s bodies and not against them!

If this was up your alley and you find this sort of info helpful and interesting…well, my EPIC online course, Queen Out, is going to rock your world!

Check out what’s involved HERE and join me on a journey to completely transform and level up your sex life!