Rock It In The Sack and Level Yourself Up As a Lover with Men’s Sexologist Taylor Johnson

Taylor:

This program is brought to you by Pussy Magnets.

Freya Graf:

Welcome. Welcome, my lovely lumps, or should I say lovely labs? I'm so thrilled to have you here in the Labia Lounge. We're gonna womanhood, relationships, intimacy, holistic health and everything in between. Your legs. Oh, can't help myself. Anyway, we're gonna have vag-loads of real chats with real people about real the sex ed that you never had and have a bloody good laugh while you're at it. Before we dive in, I'd like to respectfully acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which I'm recording this, The Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation. It's an absolute privilege to be living and creating dope podcast content in Naarm, And I pay respect to their elders past, present, and emerging.

Freya Graf:

Now, if you're all ready, let's flap and do this. Oh my god. Is there such thing as too many vagina jokes in the one intro? Whatever. It's my podcast. I'm leaving it in. Hi, all you labial ledge hammers. Welcome back To the lounge. I've got another red hot epi for you today.

Freya Graf:

The focus is going to be on supporting meant to the epic lovers. So I've got Taylor Johnson with me. Who's a sexologist and sex coach for men who helps them create and experience the best sex lives possible. And he's a real wealth of knowledge and experience in these realms. So whether you are a man yourself or, You know, any other gender listening, especially if you're someone who has sex with men, there'll be a lot of value in this episode that you can take away regardless of whether you think it directly applies to you. So don't let the, like, you know, men's sex coach part deter you. I know I've got a lot of lot of female listeners. So we're gonna be chatting about The most important things you need to know to be an amazing lover, conscious ejaculation and semen retention practices and their benefits and potential pitfalls, The impact of porn use on relationships and the importance of self pleasure and how this can help you be better in the sack.

Freya Graf:

Welcome, Taylor. How does that all sound?

Taylor:

That all sounds amazing. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I actually really appreciate the way you Have all that laid out with such clarity that, yeah, makes me even more excited about this conversation. And I love how you say labia did you did I hear you correctly saying Labial ledgehammers. Is that what you said?

Freya Graf:

Labial ledgehammers. Yeah. Yes. That is my slang for legends.

Taylor:

Nice.

Freya Graf:

Very, very, Aussie Bogan up in here. I can't help myself.

Taylor:

Well, it's great. And I'm really happy to be here for anybody listening. Even if you don't have sex with men but you have friends with men, some of this will help you understand the things that they deal with in life. So I'm yeah. I'm really excited to get into it because I think the world needs Many more conversations around what an actual healthy integrated male sexuality could look like.

Freya Graf:

Preach. Yep. Absolutely. Good. Good point. Doesn't even I mean, I always learned so much from all sorts of books and resources on All genders. And it's like, you know, if you're a human and you have human friends and they're in human relationships, all of this stuff's really valuable. And I find also like A lot of parents kind of go, oh, thank goodness, I learned about this because, you know, now my kids becoming a teenager, and it's really useful for me to be able to traverse those topics with them.

Freya Graf:

So stick around, listen to this episode. It's gonna be jam packed. I can already tell. So I guess, how about we get started with you giving us a little bit of background on how you came to be doing this work and what makes you so passionate about it?

Taylor:

Yeah. How did I get here? The short version is that I used to personally really struggle With sex, I was the guy that would ejaculate in 10 seconds or 30 seconds on a regular basis. I was addicted to pornography. I was really sexually anxious. I went through a period of avoiding women completely because I was afraid of the possibility of eventually being sexual with them and then being the Guy that would ejaculate too early, and I was a total sexual mess when I was younger. Yeah. And I didn't have any mentors. I didn't have any good positive role models.

Taylor:

Like, movies didn't help. Like, TV shows didn't help. The the Playboy magazines that I found at that time, which were the main source of pornography when I was a young teen because I'm 38 years old now, those didn't help. And so I was really kind of isolated in that realm. And I went on a deep dive to study as much as I possibly could and spent a ton of money in the process, went to all kinds of trainings, read all kinds of books, practice all kinds of things that most people probably don't need to practice. Some pretty wild things. And then yeah. Long story short, I started to experience benefits in my sex life.

Taylor:

And then the interesting part is I started to see how that translated over into my professional world. That was really interesting. And I started to make more money. I started to be more confident. I started to just feel more zestful and alive in general, and I realized, wow, There's a reason different traditions have written about this for generation after generation after generation. Like, there's a reason Men should really take a closer look at their sexual choices and pay attention to how they actually impact their entire lives because the impact is massive. I think most of us just aren't aware how big that impact actually can be. There was a certain point in my previous career where I realized all the books on My bookshelf were about either sex or energy or presence or relationship or communication or something like that, and none of it was about my previous career, And I realized, you know what, I should at least make a blog.

Taylor:

Some of my friends said, you should make a blog. Start writing stuff. It was a horrible blog, But that progressed and progressed to a somewhat okay Instagram account that progressed and progressed into, here I am today. I've taken a lot more trainings. I've invested in actually being able to hold space for people and I want to be the guy that can be there for other guys in a way that I never had somebody like that when I was younger.

Freya Graf:

Amazing. It sounds very similar to my sort of reasons for getting into this work as well. And like that journey of like working on your own shit, becoming a personal development junkie, going super hard into like Some pretty, like, extreme versions of, like, different practices and this and that. And then kind of finding finding where you sit comfortably with it, and realizing what a Huge impact. It it has, you know, in your life and those around you and just the potential there. So that's that's exactly why I do this work as well. It's just It's really powerful, and it's really fucking life changing. And, I think, yeah, you're right.

Freya Graf:

A lot of people don't realize just how much of an impact It's having, and what a big difference it would make to to sort of work on it because we kind of relegate Everything to do with, like, sex and and and body functions to this little corner, you know, that doesn't get any light. And we try not to look at it and we just try to get on with things. Yeah. But it's so yeah. So such a game changer when we actually do Do something about that, which, yeah, which took me a few years and a lot of courage, but look at us now, Taylor.

Taylor:

Hey. No personal problems at all. Everything is perfect. Obviously, a joke, just in

Freya Graf:

case anything is made.

Taylor:

Yeah. Obviously, it's a joke. But I will say my sex my sex life is amazing. I'm happy to say that.

Freya Graf:

Yeah.

Taylor:

And I feel very pleased About that.

Freya Graf:

Totally. Same. The rest of my life, absolute shit show right now. But, you know, I've got this I've got the lovemaking on lock. So

Taylor:

Oh, that's sweet. Sweet. Well, happy to hear that. Hopefully, the shit show turns into a a better show eventually. Oh, great.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. One

Taylor:

one interesting piece about it is, like, For some reason in modern society, we have this idea that sex is something that we should all just inherently be good at. I don't really know exactly where that comes from, but we don't grow up with and there are societal stories that say, Hey, you might want to practice this. And if you think about any other skill that's out there, learning the guitar, taking kung fu lessons, painting, anything out there, Nobody expects to just inherently be good at that thing. You could do the basics of it but it takes time to practice that skill. And yes, We could all probably do the basics of sex. You put the thing in the thing and move the thing like that. Right? But to actually become skilled with it in a way that you can make art With sex and lovemaking, like, that that takes some effort, and I think it's totally worth it. And, yeah, maybe we should go into some of the specifics about that, but

Freya Graf:

I just wanted to

Taylor:

say that piece.

Freya Graf:

Totally so important. It's yeah. It's such a, like, pleasure and and sexual mastery. Total learnt skill, like, sure, sex is natural, but, yeah, we're not we can't be expecting to just be total pros, without practicing. So just like everything else. In terms of the main challenges that men come to you to work with you on, what are some of the most Common ones. And, like, we'll get into yeah. I mean, everything I kinda outlined from the top soon, but I'd love to just get some context for, like, some of the main issues that people come to you for help with.

Taylor:

Totally. So just on a meta broad level, I really positioned myself in the world of sex education, as somebody who can help guys overcome premature ejaculation, who can overcome sexual anxiety, and who can overcome erectile dysfunction. And those are a lot of the main access points that guys come to me from. They're like, oh, I feel really shitty about my sex life or my relationship is struggling because can't get this 1 piece, fixed or maybe they're struggling with porn addiction and they just wanna sort it out because their relationship is on the rocks or they can't feel you They don't feel like they can get a partner. And it's usually it's not just the issue itself, but it's the ramifications of the issue on their life at large or their relationship. And so, yeah, they come in for a lot of those reasons. Another reason a lot of guys come to me is because I'm kind of well known on the internet for talking about semen retention, And when some people hear that word, they're like, oh, you mean guys should never ejaculate? And my response to that is no. They should ejaculate.

Taylor:

There are some people who take things to extremes out there, but I also believe that there's a certain frequency of ejaculations that is ideal for men and it's dependent on their age, it's dependent on their lifestyle and all kinds of things, and only that man can figure it out for himself. And once you figure that out, it can improve your entire life, including your sex life and your relationship. So I have a lot of material out there around that when guys come to me when they wanna, you know, optimize their relationship or their business even with that kind of practice.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Amazing. And we'll we'll dig into that a little bit more deeper into the episode. I'd love to get an overview Of your thoughts on, like, what what's holding men back from being epic lovers in the bedroom? Like, maybe outline some of the main areas of Focus that, you teach because I imagine they will present with, like, you know, things like premature ejaculation, you know, these kind of physical, challenges or manifestations of, like, a deeper underlying, perhaps, you know, psychological stuff or Performance anxiety or, I mean, that's always so layered. So underneath those, like, main things that people come to you for, What do you find to be the areas that, you know, people really need some support with that that will help them be better lovers?

Taylor:

Totally. That's a great question, and 3 main pieces come up immediately in my mind. Me. And if you hear me sniffling in this episode, it's because I'm recovering from a sinus infection, just a little meta piece of information. So Number 1 is porn use. I think porn use is the source of a lot of sexual challenges for men and a lot of sexual challenges in relationship. Number 2 is unconscious masturbation habits and number 3 is difficulty communicating, expressing and feeling emotions and challenging topics. We can go into all of those, but I'll say most people don't think about number 3.

Taylor:

They don't they don't ever consider that until they exhaust all the other options and then we're like, hey, by the way, What do you what's it like to talk about your feelings with your partner and people freeze? You know, so we can dive into that. But I can start with whichever one you find most interesting first. Where would you

Freya Graf:

like to? Well, let's dive into that one. Let's, like, Yeah. Let's just go straight into that one because I feel like that's also yeah. The the unsung hero, like that's so important and that's something I find myself coaching people on a lot. I think it's something everyone struggles with, but I do think that men have an added layer of, you know, patriarchal pressure to be more, You know, immune to emotions. So I imagine it's even even more difficult to crack crack that egg. So do you wanna just, Yep. Spill off some stuff about that.

Taylor:

Yeah. And also, I'll preface this by saying I'm a work in progress in this realm as well, but I am working on it. I've done a lot of work around it and I think it's fascinating and I think more people should talk about it, so here we are talking about it. Yeah. To to preface it by setting the stage a little bit to say that in modern society, Men like myself, like, we've received an incredible amount of pressure from society that we should not show emotions. Like, this starts as a little kid. You know, don't cry, man up, be strong, don't, you know, don't show weakness. And in middle school and high school, I don't know if it's the same where you are, but those are our terminologies.

Taylor:

And in college, it's like, Oh, you better not cry. You better fucking man up. You fight, punch somebody, don't complain, all this stuff. Stuff it down, stuff it down, stuff it down. And even in modern society, when you get older, all the movies, all the examples we have of men show men as being these really stoic guys that will, you know, go off into battle and, like, shoot people like James Bond and blow shit up and then have really amazing 32nd sexual experiences with people. You know? And so

Freya Graf:

Totally.

Taylor:

The the programming, like, It brings up the fear sometimes. Like, I can think about myself when my partner in the past has asked me, like, what are you feeling about And if it's a charged topic, sometimes it can send me either into a freeze response or into a fight or flight response because there's this part of me that's, like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Like, this is dangerous. You know? Because growing up, showing my emotions meant that I would be, like, kicked out or Ostracized or anything like that, so there's all this backstory that's there. And that's not to say that we should be necessarily walking on eggshells all the time, but it's useful to have understanding and compassion for the playing field that we're in. Totally. You know? And talking about gendered, Dynamics for a second. A lot of women, like yourself, probably got the opposite programming, or at least very different Like, it's very acceptable to show emotions or much more acceptable.

Taylor:

And not only that, but generally, female networks of friendships operate around conversation of emotion or at least can share that comfortably. And that's another thing that doesn't happen in men's spaces so much. So there's this dynamic that can happen where, if you're a female partner, you really want to feel the emotion from your man, so you kind of try to pull it out of him, but in the process, he kind of freezes And I see you nodding. Most people have probably experienced this, you know, and it's not something you can fix. Right? It's not something you can snap your fingers and fix, but it's something you can work on slowly. One of my favorite books on this topic is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I believe that's the title and the author and they go into Discovering some of what are some of the main reasons you might be feeling the way that you're feeling, relating it to your childhood and that sort of thing. Another great book is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

Taylor:

That technique, studying that, has fundamentally changed how I interact with my partner, my friends, and my families. And interestingly, to jump back to sex, it makes sex so much better because Yeah. You know, and if you're listening, you might be scratching your head or you might get it, But just to say another piece, like, anytime I stuff my emotions down, anytime I, like, Don't cry when I want to cry or hold it in. I'm telling my system that, oh, emotional energetic movement is bad, Stuff it down. Well, when that comes to sexual energy, the body doesn't really differentiate and it just goes on the program, oh, I'm used to stuffing it down, so I shouldn't let it flow. I shouldn't let it freely express itself in my body and therefore, it kind of pools down in the genitals in the penis and either contributes to genitally focused, Orgasmically focused sex or it supports premature ejaculation to happen because there's not the ability to flow and actually be with the full bodied sensations So pause there because I just spoke for a little bit.

Freya Graf:

Thanks. That's so, So courteous and thoughtful of you as a podcast guest. Sometimes sometimes people can just go for, like, half an hour, and I'm like, I'm loving this, but I haven't got a word in. Yeah. Amazing. It's it's, something I've definitely noticed, and there's always correlations. You know? Like, I can almost link everything back To sex and how it shows up in the bedroom. Right? Like Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. And if you're if you're Stifling everything and shoving it all down and, and not allowing things to flow. There's the lack of like sexual energy flow and therefore Pleasure. There's more tension in the body. And then I feel like there's I don't know. Maybe you can articulate this better and have, more, like, More of an explanation for it, but I get the feeling that when we're kinda like locking all the emotion in our bodies and shoving it down, The premature ejaculation can kinda happen because we are just clinging on by the skin of our teeth. Like, we're always just kinda holding it together, keeping composed. And I know for me, like, in a in an orgasmic state, altered state of consciousness, like everything's so much closer to the surface.

Freya Graf:

I'm a lot more prone to bursting into tears and letting emotions flow because the veil's thinner in that space and everything's already so heightened and intensified that, and it's heart opening for me is that I'll like often cry. And I feel like with men, like when things get too much in sex, the pleasure's too intense, they hit that threshold and they come. Or I imagine, you know, if they're used to, like, shoving emotions down and not allowing A certain level of intensity of experience or emotion or energetic flow in their body like that. They will also hit a threshold. Told and then maybe ejaculating is like a way to just end that experience and just get the fuck out of there because they're not used to, like, dwelling in intense territory. Did I do an okay job of explaining that?

Taylor:

I mean, I hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying, and I'll just confirm from my own personal experience, there have been times in my past where I was having sex with a past partner, and I did start to feel that emotional opening happen. And I did feel those tears wanting to come up in the lovemaking experience, But in unfortunately, in that moment in the past, I was like, fuck that. I can't go there. That's terrifying. That's dangerous. You know? So I did ejaculate Because it made the sexual experience end. I was like, phew.

Freya Graf:

Yeah.

Taylor:

Good. Don't have to feel emotions. Safe. Mhmm. You know? Really, really interesting. And I ultimately was missing out on some incredible beauty that is possible with emotionally open, heart open, vulnerably connected sexual experiences where we can both cry. Like, that's amazing. It's truly amazing.

Taylor:

And ironically, where I don't know if Ironically is the right word, but that sort of emotional openness is one of the things that allows guys to actually get into the state of non ejaculatory orgasm Full body sort of cosmic spiritual orgasms. You know? Yeah. It's prerequisite.

Freya Graf:

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Amazing. Alright. Well, before we get into the other sort of pillars, let's do this segment, get pregnant and die. Do you have an anecdote about? Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. I'll I'll just add go for it.

Taylor:

I'll just add 1 one more piece, like, a a practical thing that my partner and I do. My partner is a woman. We've started whenever we're having conversations around emotionally tricky type stuff. One of the things that she'll do is whenever she asks me something about my feelings, we now have the understanding that she'll give me more time to feel into it. It's pretty simple, But if you just give the guy a little bit more time, a lot of the times, he'll eventually start to feel something. And that's actually been pretty remarkably Impactful in our conversations. Just giving me, you know, like, 30 seconds instead of 10 seconds sometimes. Like the emotions are there and they want to come, but they're kind of hard to access sometimes because of all that blockage.

Taylor:

So it's a little more spaciousness and permission to take my time to feel, it's it's way easier. Way easier.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Yeah. Really good tip. Really great tip. I think, like, women are Quite adept at just, you know, laying it all out. And, I mean, obviously, not everyone. It's it's uncomfortable sometimes communicate about certain things, especially around sex. But, you know, I'll often recommend my female clients, who have In well, I recommend it to everyone, but in particular, who have male partners that do struggle with this.

Freya Graf:

You know, if they want to, Chat about something that might be a little bit, you know, edgy or confronting. I'm like, don't be afraid to write it in a letter or a text and just Give them, like, the outline and be like, I'd love to talk to you about this in person, but I just wanted to give you, like, a bit of time to digest this and have your thoughts, And then come to me when you're ready to talk about it so it's not an ambush because that's fucking overwhelming. And that'll just turn peep like, you know, people will be in the fight or flight or freeze. So Do you have any, like, if you could so I hate it when people ask me if you've got, like, 1 tip, but if you could choose, like, one thing that the man Can do and one thing that the partner of the man can do to help, you know, that that communication about needs and desires and boundaries, like that piece Flow a bit better. Like, what's something that men can keep in mind and try to just immediately put into practice, and what's something that a partner can do to, like, help create a safe Space for that.

Taylor:

Yeah. It's a great question. My mind wants to go in a few different directions, but the main one that comes up now is, like, You're a man say you're a man, you receive some sort of communication that is emotionally stimulating in some way. A lot of the times, the initial reaction might be to push it away or to rationalize it or to to figure it out. Right? Instead, Just try taking a couple of deep breaths with it and try just to do nothing other than to just receive it and see what happens in your body without reacting, without intellectualizing. Just take a couple of deep breaths and really feel Your partner. Really try to feel where they're coming from. They're probably not trying to hurt you even though it might, like, feel that way initially because that's Certainly how it can feel.

Taylor:

Try to feel into the love that's actually there and then try to respond from that place. And if you take 3 breaths and You can even say, Hey, baby. Thank you so much for telling me that. I just wanted to take a couple of breaths to really let that digest in my system. Boom, then it changes the game Pretty substantially. Then you can respond with intentionality instead of responsiveness, you know, and there's that famous saying, like, freedom comes In the space between stimulus and response, and that's that's so true in this context as well.

Freya Graf:

Wow. Awesome. And as a partner, what's something that, you know, you found really helpful when your partner does?

Taylor:

I

Freya Graf:

know you gave us an example that you've introduced recently, but is there something kinda universal that that People can keep in mind if they have a male partner and they wanna just, you know, help things along with this stuff. Hey, baby babes. Sorry to interrupt. I just had to pop my head into the lounge here and mention another virtual lounge that I'd love you to get around. It's the Labia Lounge Facebook group that I've created for listeners of the Potty to Mingle In. There, you'll find extra bits and bobs like freebies, behind the scenes, or discounts for offerings from guests who have been interviewed on the podcast. They'll also be, hopefully, inspiring, thought provoking conversations and support from a community of labial legends like yourself. My vision for this is that it becomes a really supportive educational and hilarious resource for you to have more access to me and a safe space to ask questions you can't ask anywhere else.

Freya Graf:

So head over to links in the show notes or look up the Labia Lounge group in Facebook, and I'll see you in there. And now, back to the episode.

Taylor:

Yeah. There are so many things. I mean, the piece that you said I really resonate with And I find it to be helpful for any gender talking to any gender. Right? Yeah. It's just, hey, I love you. I would like to have a conversation about this topic at some point soon. We set a time to do so versus just like, boom, throwing it at somebody? Or even if you don't throw it at somebody, it can feel that way. So giving a preface, Asking for permission, saying, Hey, are you okay if we talk about this now or would you rather do it later? Like, something about that permission giving is really, really magical.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Beautiful. Alright. Well, do you have a get pregnant and die story for us?

Taylor:

Don't have sex because you will get pregnant and. Don't have sex in the position. Don't don't have sex standing up. Just Don't do it. Promise? Can you can you tell me what that means to you?

Freya Graf:

So I just ask all of my guests for an anecdote about their sex education, whether that was, you know, What they received in school or from their parents, but basically a story about your sex ed, maybe how it was supportive, maybe how it failed you, Anything that springs to mind.

Taylor:

That's the get pregnant and die thing. That's so funny Because that's, I mean, that's what I tell people I basically got from my sex education growing up in school. They said, well, If you have sex before marriage, either you're gonna get AIDS or you're gonna get a woman pregnant, and then something bad will happen. You'll probably die. You know? Like, actually, that was what we got. Wow. Mind blowing. You know? I I grew up in the bible belt of the United States in a public school, and so it was quite conservative, When it when it came to sex, you know.

Taylor:

The the next, best sex talk that I got, Which wasn't really a sex talk was when one day I was 16, and my stepdad came into the computer room where I was playing a computer game, And he said, hey, Taylor. I, you know, I, I just I wanted to give you this and tell you that I got an Operation so I wouldn't get your mother pregnant. Here you go. And then he said, k. Have fun. And he handed me a playboy, and he walked away. And I was like, what? It's like you are crossing way too many fucking wires here. Like, sure.

Taylor:

Give me the playboy talk about sex independently from talking about having sex with my mom at least,

Freya Graf:

And getting a mastectomy, like, why is that relevant?

Taylor:

Totally. Yeah. And now I totally have compassion and I understand, like, Bless you. So incredibly awkward to talk about as a man at that time. Like, holy shit. You know? Yeah. But that's that's just one of those funny things that I look back on, and I think, like, wow, I had I had no good examples of healthy sexuality. I had to discover discover them all, You know?

Freya Graf:

Totally. Totally. Totally. And that's why we do what we do now, you know, so other people don't have to just Sort of flop around blind. Alright. So let's chat about conscious ejaculation and semen retention practices because I feel like there's a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding and there's some really sort of extreme, ways of practicing this. I actually do have, a podcast already on conscious ejaculation with a guy called Miroslav Petrovic. So if anyone wants to, like, really go deep into conscious ejaculation And some other related stuff.

Freya Graf:

You can listen to that, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on these approaches because, like, obviously, It can get really dogmatic with, like, the full kind of no fap community and, Yeah. In some kinda Neo tantra communities, like, the non ejaculation thing can be taken super far, and people are, like, Very, very opinionated about it, so I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Taylor:

Yeah. Well, I have a lot of thoughts and I'm happy to go in a direction. And I'll also say, like, if there are certain areas that weren't covered as much in that other podcast, I'll be happy to go into those specific areas too, just so it's not like we're talking about the same things. Are there specific areas or should I just go into it?

Freya Graf:

It was like 2 years ago now, and I'm just trying to remember what we covered. But maybe, Maybe, actually, I I think it was more about conscious ejaculation, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on semen retention and how we can do that consciously and in a balanced way that's, you know, sustainable and healthy.

Taylor:

Great. Awesome. Yeah. So to me, Conscious ejaculation and semen retention kind of go hand in hand under the umbrella of men's sexual embodiment, Like, of a powerful men's sexual embodiment practice. And so as a fundamental baseline for semen retention, I I like to call it integrative semen retention. Like I said earlier, it kind of it rests on the baseline of the idea that men have a certain ideal ejaculation frequency that's useful for their age. So I'll just use myself as an example. I like to ejaculate once every 10 to 14 days.

Taylor:

I'm 38 years old. When I was younger, it used to be more frequently. But right now, at that frequency, I feel like I can keep the benefits Of not ejaculating and I'll describe those here in a moment, I get those benefits while also getting the benefits of ejaculatory orgasms And those benefits are massive too, but most people don't realize them because they just do that on autopilot. Right? So To put this into an evolutionarily psychological or biological perspective, let's just take that approach for a moment and say, okay. If a person with a penis ejaculates, then evolutionarily speaking, they have succeeded. You know? They have won. They've they've completed their mission as a member of the species. They have procreated, okay, the body can rest now.

Taylor:

The body can go to sleep, eat some food. You don't have to go out into the world and find a mate. Right? So the body uses that time to recharge, and it's more than just the 20 minutes After the ejaculation where you can't get an erection, it actually lasts for a few days. And so to bring some actual science into this, because there's not a whole lot, Right? But if you're going to donate your sperm, if a man is gonna donate his sperm, he has to wait, at least in the United States, 3 days after his most recent ejaculation, so the overall quantity of his sperm can reach a high enough level that they'll give a viable sample. You know? So at least on a baseline biological level, there's a good benchmark to start. Now I've surveyed hundreds and hundreds, perhaps thousands of guys, and and the average is actually most guys are ejaculating every day, or at least every other day, it would seem. So spacing that out a little bit can do a lot. And what I've found over the years of experimenting with this is that if I do ejaculate more regularly, I can still go out into the world and do manual labor.

Taylor:

I can, like, I can chop things down. I can carry heavy shit. I can move stuff around. Like, I can do that, But I will be missing a certain level of ingenuity or creativity or inventiveness or spark or intellectual clarity and prowess that wouldn't let me have the same sort of impactful conversations Or inventive ideas that I would need to have in order to operate at a certain higher level of achievement, if that makes sense. So It's subtle, right, and you really have to tune into it to feel it, but if you start to practice this more and more, you'll start to notice this. This is why I think These practices have been exploding over the past bunch of years on the internet. It's not just this sort of dogmatic idea. Like, if you actually slow down and start to feel the impact, you'll notice it actually is doing something to your psychology and to your body and to your physiology.

Taylor:

And I'm not a person who says you should ejaculate Once every 30 days or 100 days, I think that's extreme because on the flip side, when you have an ejaculatory orgasm, If you actually go into the full release of that experience and you take time, like 10, 15, 20 minutes Afterwards, to just rest and totally allow your system to downregulate, there's a certain kind of revitalization that can happen from that and a certain kind of Energy that will come into your system that's different from just the retaining. It's like washing the slate clean, starting fresh, and it's really, really beautiful. And you won't experience that if you're ejaculating every day. You know? But if you if you wait a little while and then do it and then really go into the depth of that experience, it's it's pretty magical.

Freya Graf:

Amazing. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. I, I feel like there's a little bit more science around it now, but, yeah, it is It's it's a tricky sell to some people, but I know that some of the leading biohackers in the world, like Dave Asprey, you know, has a whole section in his book, Game Changers, which is literally a book about the kind of top things he's discovered through all of his sort of research and trialing and everything that will Optimize your health and and longevities. And, like, semen retention is one of them and he's, you know, figured out his Kind of ideal. I think he's in his fifties, and his ideal is, like, every 2 to 3 weeks or something like that. But, you know, like, there are some Some fucking smart people that are really across this, and there's a fair bit more, evidence, especially a lot of anecdotal evidence nowadays.

Freya Graf:

And, it just makes sense. Right? I mean, it's also I don't know. Not to, not to Deprive yourself of of something pleasurable, but it is like, you know, if you have junk food every day, it doesn't taste as rewarding, And you might not get that sugar rush, which is it's not the best example because yeah. But anyway, it's like if you're Allowing yourself to ejaculate every single day. That's quite depleting and it just becomes quite, you know, more commonplace and not as much of a, like, Rush, not as much of a special thing that that, you know, and it also I I feel like it also makes you just come faster in the bedroom. Like, if you're masturbating really, you know, unintentionally and you're just kinda having a wank really regularly to, you know, clean the pipes out or Kind of get that release so that you can go to sleep or whatever. Yeah. It really detracts from the potency and and, Rejuvenating qualities that can be, you know, can benefit you if you have a more, intentional practice and find a bit of balance.

Freya Graf:

But Yeah.

Taylor:

And Yeah. And even with the you said the word depleting there, And I've been questioning the use of that word. Like, I've said that word in probably 30 of my videos that are out there and podcasts and all this stuff too. And now I'm wondering about the semantics of it and saying more like instead of ejaculating every day depletes you, Ejaculating every day keeps you in a state that is not a state of peak performance. Like, you can still function in society, But you will just not be in a state of peak performance on a biological, mental, and physiological level, In Russia.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. That's nice. That's a nice distinction. Yeah. Depleting definitely got some connotations. Hey. And I feel like it's so dependent on Just the person, the age, the amount of, like, energy they have and their diet and their health. You know? I I imagine, like, it took you a little while to find out.

Freya Graf:

And Do you do you coach your clients through this process of, like, finding out the optimal kind of length in between ejaculating?

Taylor:

Totally. Yeah. I do. I mean and I have free YouTube videos out there about that too. If you just look up how often should you ejaculate, Taylor Johnson, my name would pop up because, yeah, It wouldn't really make sense for me to, like, coach people individually on that one because there is sort of a formula that you can follow and might as well, like, get it out to the millions of people. I do.

Freya Graf:

I do.

Taylor:

One other piece to add is that in in addition to the own like, my own personal benefits Of feeling better, feeling more alive, more clarity, all that kind of stuff. There's also a pretty massive shift sexually that can happen with your partner if you practice this. And most women well, most anybody who has sex with men, They're used to the sexual experience ending when the man has an ejaculation. Right? And they're used to the ejaculation always happening. And most women have received programming from society and movies and everywhere that their worth as a lover actually has something to do with whether or not or how quickly The man will ejaculate, you know, and so changing that, flipping the script on that a little bit, And ending sex instead of with ejaculation, but instead of sitting in a position maybe one of my favorite ways to end sex with my partner is we'll sit in what's called the yab yam position. If you don't know what that is, basically, I'm sitting upright, I'm still inside my partner and she's sitting on my lap and our Chests are touching and our foreheads are touching and we breathe together, we do 10 or 20 deep breaths there, and do some microcosmic orbit circulation practice or even if you don't know what that means, like, you just take 10 or 20 deep breaths there, and that Often is enough to just really let all the charge simmer and integrate and anchor into your body in a way that won't just be isolated in your genitals. Now a lot of guys might hear that and think, well, that's gonna be a recipe for blue balls. You're fucking crazy, and and I'll say, no.

Taylor:

Like, I haven't had blue balls in a long time. I regularly have sex without ejaculating. I also have sex with ejaculating, but I will say it's not quite as simple as ending and breathing together. During the sexual experience, I'm doing different practices to move my arousal or you could call it sexual energy from my genitals throughout the rest of my body to integrate it so it's not built up there. At the end of the sexual experience, I'm also doing Kegels, things that are called reverse Kegels. After sex, I'll massage my testicles and my pelvic floor too just to make sure everything's moving and not getting stagnant. Sometimes I'll do jumping jacks immediately after sex if I don't ejaculate just to make sure all the energy is moving and integrated. And if I do all that stuff, Then life is amazing, and it's like getting the gold star back in Super Mario Brothers.

Taylor:

You know? And then my part And then it's, like, it's a game changing experience for the woman too because then she gets to experience you staying consistent with her In that arousal instead of just dropping off, you know, that's a really interesting piece if you want to think about it in terms of, I'm not gonna well, Do I say masculine and feminine? No. I'll just say some people really like to receive and experience Consistent, sustained, penetrative, sexual, loving consciousness. When a man ejaculates, That almost always diminishes a substantial amount, right? If you can end the sexual experience without ejaculating and retain that Loving, sexually penetrative consciousness and connection with your partner, that's fucking magical and magnificent. Then you just both get to relish in that and then Go about whatever you're going to do next with that energy sizzling between you. It's pretty wild. Pretty wild.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. That's hot. Fuck. Yeah. So that leads me into a self pleasure practice. Because obviously, you know, the way that we Engage with ourselves when we're solo has a really big impact on partnered sex. And if we're talking about conscious ejaculation and becoming More, able to, you know, consciously ejaculate or decide not to ejaculate. Self pleasuring is kind of where we need to start practicing how to, you know, have mastery over our body parts.

Freya Graf:

Right? And now and our sort of arousal. So Shall we chat a bit about how you can enhance your sexual experiences with others via having a self pleasure practice?

Taylor:

Why not? Let's do it. I I think it is one of the most important things that that a man can focus on, anyone could focus on, actually, if you're wanting to have a better sex life, for sure.

Freya Graf:

Excuse this quick interruption. I'm shamelessly seeking reviews and 5 star ratings for the potty because as I'm sure you've noticed by now, it's pretty fab. And the more people who get to hear it, The more people I can help with it. Reviews and ratings actually do make a big difference to this little independent podcaster, And it's really easy to just quickly show your support by taking that simple act of either leaving 5 stars For the show on Spotify or, even better, writing a written review and leaving 5 stars over on Apple Podcasts. Or if you're a real overachiever, you can do them both. That would be mad. If you're writing a review, though, just be sure to use g rated words because despite the fact that this is a podcast about sexuality, words like sex can be censored and your review won't make it through the gates. Lame.

Freya Graf:

Anyway, I would personally recommend doing that right now while you remember just to get on top of it and let me know you're with me on this journey. Thanks, gang. Enjoy the rest of the epi.

Taylor:

So I'll speak about people with penises, because that's who I am, that's what I know, and I'll say that The way you masturbate is a training ground for how you have sex with other people. And if If you if I regularly masturbate and then ejaculate within 2 to 3 minutes, 5 minutes of masturbating, and if that's what I always do, How is my body going to have any reference point for what it's like to be aroused and sustain that arousal and sustain that level of stimulation for 20 minutes and be in a full on lovemaking experience? It's not getting that practice. So then when you go to have sex, your body is going to want to ejaculate quickly in that timeframe, or You're gonna lose your erection, you know? So Yeah. One of the main things I try to get all guys to do is to change how they masturbate and start a self pleasure practice of masturbating for at least 20 minutes at a time before ejaculating. Like, that way, your system really has the opportunity to relax into the pleasure of the experience, and you can be there in a sustained way and it moves out of the category of just getting off into embodied pleasure. Because I also ask guys to breathe really deeply and I also ask guys to make sounds and actually treat it like a lovemaking experience. You're just solo lovemaking. And it's a real game changer when it comes to how you will have sex with another person.

Taylor:

If any guy does that for a month, 3 times a week and then goes and has sex with somebody again, you will notice a massive difference. Like, you'll experience more pleasure. You'll be more in control of yourself. You'll have better, stronger erections. It's like the power up. It's the sexual power That's simple, but it's not easy. It's simple in concept, but to actually lay there and move around in self pleasure for 20 minutes? That's a really tall ask, especially in today's society when we have things like Instagram and all this shit on our phone constantly blowing up and our intention bands are so short. So not only is it the actual sexual practice, but it's also the mental Practice of a sort of meditation of sorts.

Taylor:

Totally. So doing some kind of meditative practice In addition to that, will only benefit your sex life and your self pleasure practices even more because it's all linked in there related. A lot of guys, when they start trying to do the self pleasure, they get 2 minutes in, 5 minutes in, and they start thinking about everything else, and they start worrying about this thing or that thing, fantasizing, And they've never realized that like, Wow, the brain is so active. You can't sustain a simple Experience a pleasure for longer than 5 minutes. That's really useful info. If you can't do that, that's a problem in my opinion. So it's just worth trading.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Yeah. It's so like, I was gonna say, it's not just about training the body physically to kind of, you know, Dwell in a place of pleasure and arousal for longer before coming. It's also like a full rejig of your Attitudes and your sexual narrative around because I think so many and and women do this too, and I'm often, you know, educating people on this And coaching clients to approach self pleasuring differently, and I kinda differentiate between, like, masturbation, which is just kinda like jerking it or, You know, having a a wank and self pleasuring, which is more a mindfulness practice. It's moving meditation. It's a sexual meditation. And You you know, people approach masturbation very, it's very kind of transactional and goal oriented. It's like, alright.

Freya Graf:

I'm gonna do this thing for this amount of time, and I'm gonna get this result, and I'm gonna get a release, and that will help me, You know, blow off some steam, be able to go to sleep. You know? I won't feel horny anymore. I'll just be kinda, like, satiated, and then I can flop on the couch. Like, It's very goal driven.

Taylor:

Yeah.

Freya Graf:

And it's like it's like, you know, everything else that we're we're trying to do as Efficiently and effectively and kind of wham, bam, thank you, ma'am as possible. And so, of course, that's meaning that we're, you know, rocking up in the bedroom Just with these these kind of sexual blueprints so solidified and these neural pathways to pleasure so cemented because we only ever reach Pleasure ourselves in this one way every time. And it's very, you know, quick and and about Orgasm or release, you know. And it's not even about self love or sexual energy or pleasure or embodiment. It's literally just I wanna get this result out of my body, and I'm gonna do this thing to get that, and then that's that. And, So I'm, yeah, often coaching clients on this, and it's tricky because, like, we are very, like, we want that quick Fix. We want the instant gratification. And I find, like, women, you know, get really bored really quickly when, like, a lot of Come to me because they wanna stop relying on a vibrator, or they wanna not be dependent on purely clitoral, you know, stimulation Orgot stimulated orgasms.

Freya Graf:

And so when we're kind of like helping them experience more pleasure from inside the vagina, They're kinda like, oh my god. Like, 20 minutes, that feels like ages. I'm there for, like, 3 minutes. I'm I'm already bored, and it doesn't even feel that good. And I'm in my head and thinking about a 1,000,000 things. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Freya Graf:

Like, it's fucking it's a practice. And if you do have a meditation practice or a yoga practice, so you You understand and embrace the concept of mindfulness and just drawing your attention and your focus back. That's gonna be a massive asset, And you can use that in the bedroom too. And I feel like it's, if anything, potentially harder to get women on board with this even though their bodies need it so badly. They need that extra time and stuff for internal pleasure because they don't always have the immediate, Kind of response from their body of like, oh, this feels really good. Keep going with that. Whereas I feel like when men touch their penises And if especially if they have an erection, like, it generally feels good. They generally know their way around their dick and what feels good and how to get things going.

Freya Graf:

And, of course, you can experience, You can practice different ways of interacting with your cock and self pleasuring, you know, in more varied ways, which is helpful. But, You know, it's you get a bit more of a reward from your body. So sure, they might get bored and just, like, get impatient and wanna just go for gold and come. But, it's it's, I feel, like, really tricky with my female clients who are trying to experience internal pleasure, who've only ever gotten any kind of result, You know, quote, unquote, from their clitoris, you know, to actually stick with it when they're exploring internally. Because it might be not just like, you know, 5 or 10 minutes, but it could be several sessions of, like, 20 minutes before they even wake up those areas inside the pelvic Bowl and create the neural pathways to pleasure. And it's like, there's not a lot of motivation for them to do it when they're not getting that feedback from their body of, like, yes, this feels nice. Keep going. So anyway, that was a massive rant.

Freya Graf:

But, yeah, I totally get where you're coming from.

Taylor:

Yeah. Well, 2 things I want to say on that. And the first is, I hear that and I totally believe and know that to be true from what I've heard as well. And also, I will say from the male perspective, my 1st experience diving into conscious self pleasure, it took me many, many weeks before I was actually able to experience pleasure and even an erection in that process. And that's super common for guys. I have run a 10 week course to help guys figure out how to do a lot of kind of stuff. I'd say always upfront, it's probable that 50% of you, At least, we'll not be able to get an erection with this methodology of self pleasure for the 1st 2 to 3 weeks. That's normal.

Taylor:

Like, that's 100% normal because you're used to so much more stimulation or fantasy or something else going on besides

Freya Graf:

just diving into the

Taylor:

pleasure. Yeah. Totally.

Freya Graf:

Of course.

Taylor:

So it takes a while to really retrain and and reprogram the whole system, but it's Totally possible and it's worth it. I've watched hundreds of guys go through the process. I've experienced it myself, so I know it works on the other side, But in the process myself, like, yeah, I thought, wow. I can't get an erection. I have broken my penis. I have broken my sexual response system. I've watched so much porn, I am fucked for life. Damn.

Taylor:

Yeah. You know? And I will say now, On the flip side, it's not like I always have long extended sexual, candlelit sensual lovemaking experiences. My partner and I, We had a quickie this past weekend and I chose to ejaculate because it had been a while and it was amazing and it was beautiful, and that kind of sexual experience still exists for us as well and it's equally as beautiful because there's the differentiation and the options.

Freya Graf:

Amazing. I think something that People need to know more about or, like, accept is, like, you know, penises being Hard and staying hard is not essential for, like, a great lovemaking experience, and they're not, like, meant to. Like, that would be weird if you just way Able to, like, maintain a rock hard boner for, like, you know, hours on end. Like, they come and they go, and it's a fucking, you know, fluid body part. There's so much pressure on on the performance, though, which obviously, god, completely chucks men into their heads and hinder things further, but I love that you brought up. I I guess I'd I sometimes Because I don't have a penis, like, fall into, like, thinking, oh, they're just like, just that little bit more, like, simple and reliable than maybe, you know, a pussy is, but actually, like, I think that's a pretty outdated kind of trope around, like the difference between, like, you know, male On female sexuality. And of course, like there's, you know, there's gonna be like this, period if you have been used to masturbating exclusively to porn, to Debating exclusively to porn, to fantasy, you know, masturbating very hard and fast with, like, a tight grip and lots of friction. If you're used to doing that to get, you know, a certain level of pleasure and to ejaculate and then, you know, Trying to strip that back and go into, like, a more kind of, like, conscious self pleasure practice, which might be a bit softer or slower and doesn't have the intense sort of sexual Still arousing stimuli.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Like, that is that's so true that it just won't feel the same, and you might not be able to get as much pleasure all get it'll keep an erection. And yeah. So thanks for pointing that out because it's not just as simple as, like, oh, men touch their dicks and it feels good. Like, good for them. But I wonder, like, do you recommend people, and let's let's kind of use this as a segue into chatting about Pawn, before we wrap up, do you recommend, people kind of cut it out cold turkey when they're trying to develop a conscious self pleasure practice? Or are they able to use it as, like, a tool every now and then? You know, is it better to just detox straight off the bat and just have that period of a few weeks of being, like, My dick's broken, or, like, do you recommend easing out of, you know, using those, aids to arousal?

Taylor:

Yeah. You know, different people have different perspectives on that. I think it's I think there's something useful to just cold turkey stopping And seeing what actually happens to the body and seeing what happens to the mind. And if it is indeed this, like, Massive shift where all of a sudden it's hard to feel arousal, like, that's useful information. You know? Better to sit with that and spend some time with that and let your body acclimate and resensitize to the beauty of the world that's around you. So that's my perspective. Some people will say, Okay, maybe use it once a week, Twice a week, but that gets really slippery too. It's a very slippery slope, and then you've got to talk about what is actually porn.

Taylor:

What is porn? Like, is it is it going to Pornhub and looking at porn videos, or is it also all the women on, On TikTok or Instagram or whatever who are dancing in bikinis up close, they're trying to lure you into their OnlyFans, You know? And I don't say that with a point like, finger pointing, like, you are bad for doing that, but all I'm saying is, like, a man needs to be aware that that's what's happening there. Most women who are doing that aren't doing that just because they're wanting to give the world a nice view of their underside. They're trying to make money off of it, too, so In the making of the money, that's taking a certain amount of life or energy or resource from another person where you could instead, like, give that to yourself. You know? That's opening up a whole other debate, perhaps, you know, but but it's really useful. I mean, The world is so fucking sexualized. Like, I earlier today, I was on Facebook, and I got caught by watching an advertisement for one of those absurd video games. It's just like one of those, like, dragon shooter things or whatever. Immediately after that video game ad was done, Like, another ad came up on Facebook, and it was, like, immediately of women's asses And, like, the smallest underwear you could possibly imagine zooming in really fast, close, like, highly sexualized imagery Then to that went to this other sort it was like a clothing thing, like a clothing ad.

Taylor:

But the point being, like, that is very Actually, activating and triggering for a lot of men, and it will make many men it will cross their threshold of their ability to say no, and that will actually catalyze a lot of men to go masturbate to porn or porn like imagery on TikTok or Instagram or something like that. And that kind of stimuli is everywhere. It's pervasive on the Internet. So, like, in my course, I ask guys to stop watching porn completely, and then I ask them to be really honest with themselves and stop watching anything that's porn like. And anything that's porn like, it's kind of a self referential point, like, what Sort of imagery gets you off or gets you aroused and activated in that way. Like, that's porn. For the sake of that exercise period, Like, that's what that is. You know?

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Yep. Totally. And how do you how do you kind of see Porn affecting relationships. Like, I've I've actually got for anyone that wants to really get stuck into To this sort of topic because obviously we don't have time to focus on it too much in this episode. I have a double episode on porn With a woman called Catherine Lyle, who's, like, incredibly gung ho, but very knowledgeable and, you know, pretty across it and Very opinionated. It it would be quite a confronting episode to listen to, I think, for a lot of people. But, yeah, we don't we don't pull any punches.

Freya Graf:

Hey.

Taylor:

I said, because why? What does she what does she say that's confronting?

Freya Graf:

Well, you know, that, like, 90% of men are addicted to porn. And if you Watch porn more than, I don't know. It was something like once or twice a month, then that classifies an as an addiction. And I don't super, like, agree with how, like, you know, dogmatic some of her her views are. But, you know, in terms of the research, like, we fucking know Porter's Like, it's bad for us. It's bad for a number of reasons. It impacts our sex lives and intimacy and all sorts of things that rewires your brain. And so, yeah, she goes into a lot of, like, what it's actually doing to the brain, what it's doing to young kids, you know, what it's doing to people's sex lives and relationships.

Freya Graf:

So there's 2 episodes. It's it's pretty, yeah, pretty full on stuff. But I'd love to hear your and, you know, that was a couple of years ago now. So I'd love to hear your perspective on How it impacts relationships and and how you see it it kind of yeah. Like, what's what kinda damage is being done? Why is it so important that, You know, the men doing your course really cut out their their porn use. Hey, me again. If you'd like to support the potty and you've already given it 5 stars on whatever platform you're listening on, I wanna mention that you can buy some really dope merch from the website and get yourself a labia lounge tote, tea, togs. Yep.

Freya Graf:

You heard that right. I even have labia lounge bathers. Or a cute fanny pack if that'd blow your hair back. So, if fashion isn't your passion though, you can donate to my Buy Me A Coffee donation page, which is actually called buy me a soy chai latte because I'll be the 1st to admit, I'm a bit of a Melbourne cafe tosser like that. And yes, That is my coffee order. You can do a one stop donation or an ongoing membership and sponsor me for as little as 3 fat ones a month. And I also offer 1 on 1 coaching and online courses that'll help you level up your sex life and relationship with yourself and others in a really big way. So every bit helps because it ain't cheap to put out a sweet podcast, into the world every week out of my own pocket.

Freya Graf:

So I will be I'm dyingly grateful if you Support me and my biz financially in any of these ways. And if you like, I'll even give you a mental b j with my mind from the lounge itself. Salty. And, I'll pop the links in the show notes. Thank you. Later.

Taylor:

Yeah. Well, I do wanna preface it by saying that There are 2 situations where I think porn can be really beautiful experience, so I don't think it's all black and white. I have a number of so I'm heterosexual. I have a lot of friends who are gay or bisexual or queer or pansexual, Lots of different identities. And a lot of them in conversations that I've had said that watching porn actually helped them figure out who they really were, you know? It was this sort of like liberating experience for them men, women, any gender Like looking up something different than what they've been programmed to see and notice, Oh, I'm actually aroused by this other thing. Woah, does that mean, Woah, interesting. Totally. Wow.

Taylor:

I feel more connected to myself now. So I I have a lot of appreciation and empathy and compassion for that experience of watching porn.

Freya Graf:

Totally.

Taylor:

Awesome.

Freya Graf:

And I guess it's like that sorry to interrupt. It's like that anecdote of, analogy of, like, you know, junk food. And I feel like all of these things aren't inherently bad. Like, porn doesn't have to just be, like, blanket bad for everyone all the time, but the way we're using it and the way it's designed to be so addictive, You know, is damaging. But, you know, as a sometimes food or a useful tool, I've heard that as well. Like, people have really been allowed to explore their sexuality and discover things about themselves, and it helps them feel more normal. You know, so that's great. But, yeah, what was the second thing you were going to say?

Taylor:

The second thing is and I might be wrong about this, so feel free to me on Instagram or whatever if I'm wrong about this, But I'm pretty sure that when couples watch porn together, in the right context, it can actually be a bonding connective experience. Like, if you're actually connected with your partner and you're both into it and you're both exploring together and there is that actual human connection in the moment, Then that can be a beautiful experience that doesn't have the same kind of brain impact as when, say, a man watches porn by himself. Like, I do remember some research on that. There like, that that right there alone is quite unhealthy, Generally speaking is when a man is isolated, watching porn, masturbating by himself, not talking about it, having zero connection with anybody else but just going to the pixels on the screen. Isolating it impacts sex life negatively, etcetera, etcetera. But those are the 2 circumstances, and maybe there are more, but those are the 2 that come to mind when it could be healthy positive. And I've experienced the latter with my partner where we've watched something together and we thought, Woah, that looks kind of fun. Let's try that.

Taylor:

Then we'll pause the video and connect, But we're not getting lost in our own in our own, like, whacking off, you know, getting off to the porn. Yeah. Like, we're using it as a avenue for connection Tweet us.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. I think if you I think it's just important to have a really beautiful foundation of great Sex, great connection, intimacy, vulnerability, communication, just all of the things in place before maybe introducing the shared porn experience. Because Otherwise, like, I definitely have, you know, had clients say, like, oh, my partner and I rely on porn. When we have sex, We automatically put it on, and then we're both kind of in our own sort of fantasies. And we're not really making eye contact with one another or, you know, like, that's not not a vibe. But if it's very consciously and intentionally used and you already have your, like, beautiful foundation of kinda lovemaking in place, then cool. Go go hard, Kids? For sure. Yeah.

Freya Graf:

For sure.

Taylor:

Yeah. And I think you asked me before I said those 2 things, was the question Why? What was do you remember the question?

Freya Graf:

Like, what, why, why do you feel so strongly about, trying to help people get off porn? Like, How do you see it affecting relationships and and with with partners and with with themselves?

Taylor:

Yeah. So I let's see how to say this. I'm not necessarily an evangelist in the sense of I'm not necessarily trying to go out to the world and preach that everyone needs to stop watching porn right now, but what I'm trying to do is be a helpful resource for guys who feel stuck in their relationship or their own sex life or Whatever it is that they're struggling with sexually, more times than not, 90 plus percent of the time, Some of those problems have to do with the porn that they've watched and maybe it's their history of watching porn or maybe it's that they're still watching porn, But it's so problematic and so pervasive that it shows up in almost every man's life that I work with, You know, in one way or another, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual anxiety, like objectification of women problematically, hypersexual thoughts constantly, like All this stuff is just, like, hammered into us from porn, and it's what's called a super stimulus. You know? I'm sure you talked about that on the other podcast, but it's So incredibly stimulating that it just takes over the nervous system and it's just it's unfair. It's not natural. We didn't evolve to be stimulated by porn and it just hijacks our nervous system.

Freya Graf:

Totally. So it's

Taylor:

like you wouldn't Expect somebody to, what's a good analogy? Go to yoga retreat or a meditation retreat, or become skilled at that if they're regularly doing cocaine 4 times a week. They're not going to be able to achieve the same Sort of things. Right? I like to say to people, like, porn is like cocaine for your penis and for your sexual response system. Sure. Maybe do it once a month, you know, experience the drug of it, know that it is a drug and know that it will impact your system, and also there's all these risks associated with it. It's addictive. It's been shown to be as addictive as as that drug.

Freya Graf:

It's crazy. Absolutely. It's crazy. Yeah. Totally. Totally. Totally. Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Amazing. Alright. Well, just before we wrap up and I get some last sort of tips and takeaways from you to kind of tie a bow on this, Do you have a TMI story for me?

Taylor:

TMI story. So tell me give me some context for that.

Freya Graf:

Something that would usually be considered too much information for A regular kind of dinner table conversation perhaps or, you know, topics that people don't usually chat about as openly. Maybe it's about sex Or periods or poo or, you know, what's just sprung to mind, a friend of mine, Cam Fraser, who's been on the podcast talked about how he snapped his banjo string and there was a lot of blood and, you know, it doesn't have to be as gruesome as that. But just a little story that comes to mind that might Feel inspiring or educational or perhaps relatable to people listening that people don't normally admit to or talk about.

Taylor:

Yeah. Well, if this video was being published, you would see that I was smiling while you were describing that because I was thinking, What what is common dinner table conversation for me, and I recognize, like, my frame of reference for what is too much information is vastly different from probably most everybody else is out there. Even at the dinner table with my family, I will horrify my parents sometimes still by the shit that I'll say. It just comes out of me like it's normal now. Like, my partner is a sex educator. I'm friends with a lot of other sex educators. We just talk openly about all this stuff all the time.

Freya Graf:

I feel you.

Taylor:

But one thing that's that's, that I wouldn't necessarily bring up in a lot of context. Like, I wouldn't just volunteer this information, say, if I was, like, meeting somebody else's grandparents something that I wouldn't say. Hey, by the way, on my desk, there's a prostate toy, you know, and I hold it up, which is true. Like, I'm holding a prostate toy in my hand right now, and I would say that by the way, Minh, if you wanna know the cheat code to full body orgasms, like, use a prostate toy. It's amazing. Nice. And get a blowjob while that's happening or just self pleasure or have penetrative sex while that's happening, but, You know, there are engineers and people who like like, scientists and people who really understand anatomy and pleasure who've taken the time to build High end devices that are specifically designed to amplify your sexual pleasure. Like, this like, there's this is the Ferrari of of Sex toys for men that I have here in my hand right now.

Taylor:

I'm not gonna name what it is, but, like, that exists. So, like, why would you not do that? Like, if there are professionals who are devoting their lives to help you experience more pleasure, like, why would you just leave that on the table? And I get there's fear, there's stigma around anal play, anal pleasure, that sort of thing, but that's just a bummer. It's as if, like, You were to go through your whole life, and and the societal stigma said, oh, don't don't have ice cream. Ice cream is bad. Like, ice cream is shameful. Ice cream is disgusting. Ice cream is gonna change your identity forever. Like, ice cream is just like that's that that will ruin your life, and you'll go to hell.

Taylor:

Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Ice cream will make you gay.

Taylor:

Yeah. And then you just skip out on that your entire life, and you don't know how good it is to eat Ice cream.

Freya Graf:

No.

Taylor:

I don't know. That's that's kind of how I feel about anal pleasure and penetration. Like, you're literally wired with the same nerve endings that go to the tip of your penis or the clitoris to experience sexual pleasure in your anus, and it's phenomenally pleasurable When done well. Yeah. You know? So

Freya Graf:

I feel

Taylor:

Yeah. That's what I would say.

Freya Graf:

I love that, and it's kind of Made me think of what because I'm about to ask you, like, what would be, like, like, a a good starting point Or like a top tip for men to be the best lovers they can be. And we've obviously gone into detail and covered lots of different things, but I'm going to ask you for a little takeaway And mine, if I was to I mean, there's so much. It's a huge topic and it's a huge question. But if I was gonna say, like, one thing that could really shift the needle for a Man, you know, that would make him a better lover. It's cop something in the ass. Like, get a finger in there. Like, I mean, obviously, some men are already all over that. But if you haven't been penetrated men, get penetrated because I Swear to fucking God, not only can that be really pleasurable for you, but it gives you an experience of being the receptive party in a sexual context, it gives you an experience of being penetrated of having the vulnerability of someone penetrating you for once.

Freya Graf:

Like, there's something about that That will teach you to be a better lover and to be more intentional and conscious And mindful about approaching penetration of others. I just think, like, every guy should at least just get a finger up his ass Once.

Taylor:

Yeah. Even if it's yourself.

Freya Graf:

And Exactly.

Taylor:

I understand if you're cringing right now, but I wanna share, like, a statistic. I forget the exact statistic, but I surveyed, I don't know, it was, like, 4 or 500 guys last year it was, maybe, because I I I developed a course called unlocking the root that's Specifically, a course all about anal for men, not for men to have sex with other men, but just for men because all the courses that I found that were out there Didn't really resonate with me as a guy, so in that course, like, I go through people and describe stuff just as just as if there were 2 of us guys sitting down at a table talking about it. And Part of that research was to interview 500 people or 400, whatever, and I asked them a series of questions and I asked them all kinds of stuff because I just really wanted to understand experiences. Two questions when I was going through all the statistical analysis, I I was cross comparing and it kind of blew my mind because I asked guys in one Question, what is your annual income? And then these are all heterosexual men. I was able to to segment that in the data. And then I asked them, have you ever been pegged by a woman? Pegging is the act of receiving penetrative sex via a strap on dildo from a heterosexual woman. The income that men made who had been pegged from their female partners was substantially higher. Like, there's a significant difference if you're familiar with statistics.

Taylor:

It was very significantly statistically different. They made more money than men who had never been pegged by their female partners, heterosexual men. I was like, what? Holy god. That is an amazing discovery. Wow. Woah. Mind mind blown.

Freya Graf:

You gotta get that published.

Taylor:

Yeah. Well, so I'd it yeah. It was not it wouldn't that whole questionnaire, it wouldn't pass the rigors of a peer reviewed study, And I did talk about it online and of course, people try to pick it apart every way that you could possibly imagine. I'm like, yeah, well and also, This is hundreds of guys and this is what their responses were. Perhaps it's because they're more sexually open and that's why they completed the survey to begin with, But whatever. Like, it's still a fascinating data point. You know?

Freya Graf:

Oh my god. Absolutely. That's awesome. Yeah. Wow.

Taylor:

And it makes sense to me. It makes sense to me. Like, I got a lot of guys would email me about it and after I published that, and they said, you know Taylor, that does make a lot of sense because if you're open minded enough to have that kind of experience, then that means you're probably open minded to consider a lot of other different career or business possibilities that that you might not otherwise consider because you're just in this narrow mindset of what's possible, you know. Other guys said things like, oh, well, it's because If you open that part of your body, then you're really creating more spaciousness in your roots of existence and a lot of Esoteric traditions see that part of your body as the source of your vitality, of your survival, of your ability to thrive in the world. And if you're blocked there or tight there, Which most people are. You're not gonna be able to succeed in all categories nearly as much. So it's a fun little tangent I didn't expect to go down on this podcast, But here we are.

Freya Graf:

Me neither, but I love it. That's so interesting. Oh my God. Fuck. Yeah. Thanks for sharing. Alright then. So other than anal play, what's what's your hot take on, like, one of the best best things that people can do to be the best lover that they can be?

Taylor:

Yeah. In a play, stop watching porn for 6 months, 3 months, whatever, 2 months, more than a month, stop watching porn. Mhmm. Start a self pleasure practice where you just explore what feels good to you. And then take a course or read a book or like get some input from outside of you from society. Excuse me. Maybe it's a podcast. Maybe it's your podcast.

Taylor:

Maybe it's my podcast. Maybe it's somebody else's podcast, but but actually dive into And research and study sex a little bit. Like, put some effort into improving your sex life, you know. There's there's so there's an infinite amount of ways you could do it Beyond stopping watching porn and starting a self pleasure practice, that ultimately, it's it needs to be a sort of choose your own adventure. You know? So just start looking at what's out there and treat that as a practice. You know? If you wanna expand your sex life, just start Join some research. Like, it's out there. Yeah.

Taylor:

The information and the practices are out there. You know?

Freya Graf:

Totally. Totally. It just it's it's committing. It's committing to actually investing either time, money, energy, you know, Actually investing either time, money, energy, you know, focus on developing this skill and learning and becoming a master of your body. And It's yeah. There's a lot of, I think, reluctance around needing to practice something that we're kind of brainwashed into thinking should be natural, and we should just automatically be Fucking studs in the sack. But there is no shame in going out and seeking information, hiring a coach, Doing a course, reading a book, you know, just, like, get nerdy about this and you will get better at sex. Like, just straight up.

Freya Graf:

Even just learning and changing your beliefs around things will mean that gonna be better at sex. Technique is fucking the tiniest part of it.

Taylor:

Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Yeah. Amazing. Awesome.

Taylor:

Well, I

Freya Graf:

think we Totally. We've given people a fair bit to chew on. Yeah. I would highly encourage people to go to Taylor's Instagram. I feel like you had another thing to Say, what do you go?

Taylor:

Well, I'll yeah. I'll I'll add it when you finish that. I guess I'll just say another great resource is to really understand the art of how to penetrate Well, and, like, if you enjoyed listening to some of my stories, my partner and I were next week publishing a podcast about penetration specifically where we share some of the things we do in own sex life because people really like to hear personal stories. So that'd be a great episode, I think, for anybody who penetrates another person to listen to. So I'll say, like, there's a great resource. Yeah.

Freya Graf:

Yep. Easy. Go hit that up, guys. I'll put the links to Taylor's work in the show notes, And he's also got a couple of little free resources, 7 day semen retention challenge and ejaculation control guides, and I'll Put those in the Lady Aland Facebook group for you. But, yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and your Personal stories and, yeah, sitting and having a chat with me on the lounge today.

Taylor:

Totally. Thank you so much for having me and asking such great questions, and thank you, Listen, there for being here with us, too. I really appreciate your time and thanks for being somebody who cares about this stuff.

Freya Graf:

Right on. And that's it, darling hearts. Thank you for stopping by the labia lounge. Your bumgroove in the couch will be right where He left it just waiting for you to sink back in for some more double l action next time. And in the meantime, if you'd be a dear and subscribe, subscribe, share this episode, or leave a review on iTunes, then you can pat yourself on the snatch because that, my dear, is a downright Right act of sex positive feminist activism. And you'd be supporting my vision to educate, empower, demystify, and destigmatize with this here podcast. Also, I'm always open to feedback, topic ideas that you'd love to hear covered, or guest suggestions. So feel free to get in touch via my website at freyagraf.com or say hey over on Insta.

Freya Graf:

My handle is freyagraf_thelabialounge, and I Seriously, I hope you're following me on there because damn, we have fun. We have fun. Anyway, later labial legends. I'll see you next time.