Dry but DTF - Arousal non-concordance and why your vaginal lubrication doesn’t always match your libido

So wanna learn something that goes against everything we’ve been taught about our bodies and sex? …Obvs!

Well, that whole belief that if we are wet it means we’re into it and ready to rumble – nonsense!

 If we are lacking moisture in our nether regions it must mean we’re not into it and definitely not DTF – poppycock!

Ever wondered what’s going on when you’re gettin’ hot and heavy but you’re just not wet enough, or why you can find yourself positively dripping when your head and heart’s really not into it? 

Arousal and desire aren’t necessarily correlated with the blood flow to our vaginas or the lubrication our bodies are producing in the moment. Sometimes they definitely are! But sometimes these things don’t line up at all and it doesn’t mean squat about how turned on we are!

It’s called ‘arousal non-concordance’ and it’s super common and NORMAL for women.

It means that there is a difference between subjective arousal that we experience in our minds and is the true reality of whether we are aroused by something or not, and the genital response to that thing.

Eg. Our vaginas can lubricate in response to a stimuli that our bodies deem to be ‘sexually relevant’, while our minds are saying “Nooooo, thank yoooouu!”

We can also be getting intimate with a beloved, trusted partner and they’re doing all the right things to make us feel turned on and ready to get jiggy, but our parched vaginas aren’t responding!

This can be confusing for us, and our partners, as the narrative around this generally tells us that our bodies are the true indicators of arousal because these responses are automatic rather than intentional, which means they can’t be faked or controlled by us.

Emily Nagoski in her book ‘Come As You Are’ shows just how ridiculous this idea is by providing some great examples of where this logic would take us if it were true:

-       When your doctor taps you on your knee’s patella tendon and your leg kicks out, that must mean you actually want to kick your doctor.

-       Or when you have an allergic reaction to pollen, you must hate flowers.

-       Or when your mouth salivates around a mouldy, bruised peach, you must find it delicious.

-       Or, if we persist in the false belief that women’s genital response reflects what they “really” want or like, then we have to conclude that if their genitals respond during sexual assault, it means they “really” wanted or liked the assault.

You can see how it gets dangerous to follow that line of reasoning…

And the real truth of it, based on all the science, is that the overlap between genital response and actual experienced sexual arousal in women is only 10% on average.

In the studies done to test this, men had an overlap of 50% on average, meaning that the likeliness of their genital arousal matching their subjective arousal was much greater. Statistically significant, in fact.

Since for centuries male sexuality has been the “default” sexuality, women who differ from men get labelled “broken”.

Women aren’t broken versions of men though, we’re WOMEN! And as such, we work differently, and often what’s happening between our ears doesn’t match what’s happening between our legs! Our overlap is much more context-dependent than men’s. Our arousal and pleasure is MASSIVELY context driven - but that’s a whole other post!

So if you find yourself in a situation where non-concordance is presenting an issue for your partner and you, don’t let it discourage either of you! There’s always lube!

Sometimes there’s a feeling of inadequacy associated with having to use lube. Or a hesitancy to use it because it feels like going against your body if it isn’t ready. But now that you know about non-concordance, you know that vaginal lubrication sometimes plays by rules of it’s own which may or may not have anything to do with your sexual arousal or interest. So there’s no shame in getting some help from lube when needed.

It decreases friction and allows for more sensitivity and pleasure, while decreasing the risk of irritation, tearing and pain.

Lube is your friend! (As long as it’s natural and safe, with no nasties to disrupt you pH balance or fuck with your vag health!)