Why You Shouldn’t Go Straight for the Pussy!

So you’re making out with a partner, it’s feeling steamy and you’re enjoying yourself…but then they reach down and go straight for the goods without any further wining and dining! They might grab your boobs first if you’re lucky, or they might just do a Trump and grab your pussy. 

Either way, they’ve skipped several important steps in the dance of sexual courtship and, without even realising, have probably short-circuited your arousal processes by jumping ahead too fast. (To read about other common lady-boner killers check out this post)

I’m here to explain some of the very logical, practical and real reasons why, as a woman, this isn’t the approach to take when you’re getting’ jiggy with her.

If you’re a woman and you often find yourself going along with proceedings with a partner but not truly feeling much pleasure from what they’re doing; or feeling rushed and like you’re going at their pace; or as though the way they’re touching you is actually for their own pleasure and not yours… well, this is for you.

Why not head straight for a woman’s genitals?

Well firstly, it makes a gal feel like that’s all you want from her. Like she’s just a Vag-on-Legs! It can make her feel like you only value her for her sexy bits, or that you don’t respect her. It could make her feel objectified, hurried & harried, pressured, self-conscious or frustrated. She may feel like to be desirable to you or to hold your interest she needs to comply with this fast, rushed pace where the goal is her yoni and your race to the finish line confirms that her worth lies in this part of her body.

It can be a head-fuck to a woman, or it can simply show her how little you really knows about how a woman works.

Secondly, her body physiologically needs more time to become aroused before any genital touch will even feel good to her.

She must be relaxed and feel super calm and safe in order to drop into the Parasympathetic Nervous System which will then allow the breath and circulation required to fill the erectile tissue in her vagina with blood.

Women have just as much erectile tissue as males do in their cocks, but ours is all inside the vagina so it’s harder to see when we get a hard on!

But we do, and we won’t feel nearly as much pleasure - if any - inside our vaginas if our erectile tissue isn’t engorged. You wouldn’t have sex with a limp cock (well, unless you’re into soft penetration of course, which IS a thing and you can read about it in this book!) so it’s crazy to me that we’re going around sticking dicks into vaginas that aren’t engorged on the reg. 

In fact, every movie sex scene, like, ever, shows a sequence of events that see a D-in-V in a matter of seconds or minutes (if you’re lucky!) that makes me cringe every time at the thought of copping a dick in me that quickly without any time for my body to become aroused and prepare for penetration.
It’s dumb as fuck, but I suppose not all movie producers can allocate 30-40 minutes of foreplay to make it a more realistic time frame for a woman to orgasm. (But ‘Blue is the Warmest Colour’ still did a pretty good job!)

For the arousal cascade to take place in a woman’s body that will ready her for penetration, she needs to be in the Parasympathetic NS which means she must feel fully relaxed, so it stands to reason that going straight for that puss ain’t the best approach. Nothing relaxing about springing that on her right from the get-go!

To add to that, feminine sexual energy works differently to masculine sexual energy. 

While masculine sexual energy is fiery, fast to flare up, and spontaneous, feminine sexual energy is watery, slow to come to the boil, and responsive. 

Feminine sexual energy likes to be approached gradually from the outside in, whereas masculine sexual energy enjoys a more direct approach from the inside out. This means that in the case of most men, you can go straight for the cock and they will love it. The cock/sexual centre for masculine essence people is the key to unlocking the heart and head - dick first, then the rest of the body. (Starting with the inner and moving outwards from there)

But with feminine essence people such as most women, the heart is unlocked first before the sex centre/yoni open up. Meaning, you must touch and honour her whole body first before approaching the yoni. (starting with the outer and moving inwards from there)

Want a handy roadmap for how to go about this?

Comin’ right up!

The seven gates of female arousal - How to touch a woman in the bedroom

Gate 1.
The first gate that you have to pass through doesn’t even involve touch. It’s all about what comes before physical contact is made that sets the scene and creates the right container/context for her to feel safe to open up intimately. This includes conversation, energy, eye contact, smell, attraction, trust, and all those things that help her feel seen, heard, respected, and excited when she’s in your presence.

Gate 2.
The second gate involves touch but starts out at the extremities - Remember, moving from the outside in. So this might be the non-erogenous zones such as the hands, feet, arms. It’s non-threatening and not overly sexual at this stage.

Gate 3.
The next gate gets a bit closer to the centre of her body moving inwards gradually. So the more sensitive areas of her neck, bum, face (eg kissing), upper thighs, stomach.

Gate 4.
The breasts. This also connects to the heartspace and opens her the heart and yoni at the same time. The breasts and nipples are very connected to the yoni, and nipple stimulation can awaken and trigger arousal processes in the vagina through a physiological link to the clitoris. Unlocking this heart centre and activating sexual energy with the breasts is essential before approaching the yoni/sex centre.

Gate 5.
The next gate is the outer parts of the vulva - the bits where pubic hair grows. So this includes the mons pubis, butter labia and inner thighs. This is a gate of it’s own because there is a big difference between the sensation and experience of someone stroking your outer labia or pubic mound, and someone stroking your inner labia which can feel far more intrusive and confronting if you’re not ready for it!

Gate 6.
Next we have the inner labia or the ‘wet bits’ that don’t grow pubes and are meant to be naturally moist. This more inner part of the vulva can feel like too much or too jarring if it is touched too soon before serious arousal is present, and needs a wet touch. So saliva or lube is your friend here because there’s nothing worse than a dry or grippy finger or ‘appendage’ getting all up in your inner labs’ grill! Especially if you haven’t been sufficiently prepped and turned on beforehand with the other gates!

Gate 7.
Lastly, the final gate - the gate that you must pass through all the others first to reach - is the vaginal opening & vaginal canal or anus. PENETRATION COMES LAST! For a vagina to be ready for penetration you must be super turned on and puffed up with engorged erectile tissue. This gives you added cushioning (decreasing chances of painful penetration), and more circulation to the nerve endings that create the pleasure and orgasm that we know and love!

This slow and easeful approach honours the pattern of feminine sexual energy, allows the body time to build arousal, safety and trust, at the same time as relaxing her on a physical level which gives the body the best chance at pleasure.

Does this resonate with you? Do you have a story about how you’ve experienced this or experimented with this approach? Would someone you know or a partner find it helpful to learn about? 

Please share this with as many as you can to help spread the good word and fight the food fight to increase pleasure and improve treatment of women everywhere!