How to Give and Receive Feedback in The Bedroom

Greetings, my lovely lumps!

This post is to follow on from my previous article about why we find it so bloody hard to communicate our needs in the bedroom sometimes.

I talked about how men can react badly to a partner giving them guidance or feedback about sex because their perceived sexual prowess is so linked with their egos that it just kills them to discover that their ability to pleasure a woman isn’t completely intuitive and naturally effortless.

I also talked about how this then causes a woman to feel reluctant to bring it up if there’s something he could be doing differently or to offer guidance and direction because it’s not worth him getting all disgruntled and insecure about it.

This isn’t always limited to gender though - it happens both ways - I’m just speaking of the most common dynamic here, but you better believe that sometimes women do NOT handle feedback well either! 

So this article is for everyone to help US ALL improve in this department.

There are also other reasons why it can be hard to give and receive feedback about sex though:

• It can feel like it breaks the mood, or that it’s clunky, un-sexy, and uncomfortable.

• We might not actually know WHAT feedback to give or HOW to give it.

• We might not be loving what’s happening, but it isn’t that bad and we don’t really know what would make it better anyway so may as well just roll with it and hope you feel something soon!

• We may be embarrassed that we don’t really know what we’re doing.

• We might lack the confidence to speak up when we’re in a vulnerable position such as during the act.

• It might kill boners and lady-boners alike in an instant.

• We might be scared that what we like or want to ask for will be strange or freaky to the other person.

• We don’t want to seem bossy or demanding or needy.

• It might not come naturally to us to lead or give direction.

I totally get it and have personally experienced pretty much all of these!

So, how do you give and receive feedback in the bedroom then?

I’ll give you examples of how this might be approached in a sec, but first I want to outline some underlying principles that are essential to keep in mind.

I’ve got a super cheap training on it HERE!

Communication Principles:

• A super important thing to remember, and to emphasise to your partner, is that YOU’RE ON THE SAME TEAM here. Giving and receiving feedback isn’t about attacking or criticising the other person. It’s not about getting offended or defensive. Nobody is right or wrong. Neither of you is alone in this and you don’t have to figure it out solo to save face. You are both going to work together on this because it will benefit you both and because you care about each other. Simple.

• Have a BEGINNER MINDSET and be okay with the fact that you are both just learning. There’s always room to improve, learn and level up your skills and deepen your knowledge of one another’s bodies. Be humble and get over yourselves enough to accept that you don’t know it all. Even if you’ve been with a cunt-load of previous sexual partners and may have known how to make them purr or spoof themselves into last week, that doesn’t mean you know shit about this current partner! Every body is different and unique and what worked for one person won’t necessarily work for the next. Get comfortable with being a beginner and see this as an opportunity to learn, grow, explore and calibrate to this partner. You can approach it with curiosity, playfulness, and an open mind. This will deepen your connection and trust with each other, whilst fine tuning your skills. See it as an exercise in collecting information on what the other likes, doesn’t like, requires, and figuring out how your bodies work best together. Leave your ego out of it, it’s meant to be fun!

• BEING VULNERABLE GIVES THE OTHER PERSON PERMISSION TO BE VULNERABLE. If you open up about the fact that it’s challenging for you to speak about this sort of thing and explain why, it will offer your partner an opportunity to meet you in this space of vulnerability, hold you in it, and then share what challenges them and why. It will get you talking in a way that inevitably fosters closeness, trust and intimacy which is a good foundation for communication abut sex.

• ASKING FOR FEEDBACK GIVES THE OTHER PERSON PERMISSION TO GIVE IT AND VICE VERSA. If you openly request feedback and offer a safe space for your partner to voice their needs, desires, and boundaries, it gives them an opening to give you feedback where they may have been hesitant to before. It also leads by example and sets a precedent whereby they will then hopefully feel inclined to ask for feedback from you.

So how do we actually talk about it though?!

• Well firstly, have a conversation about it OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM to pre-frame and prepare for future communication IN the bedroom.
  Open up a dialogue when you’re fully clothed and in a neutral space, physically and emotionally, so that it’s not a charged situation that could be easily triggering or vulnerable for either of you.
  This way, you’re not having to attempt to bring it up for the first time in the middle of things when it could harsh the vibe or kill the mood. Emphasise that it’s going to be a learning curve and might feel clunky at times but that you’d love to work together to get better at it as a team.
  
  PRELIMINARY CHAT TO SET UP THE CONTAINER: This might sound something like this:
  
  “Hey, so I want to bring up something that’s a bit tricky for me to talk about. I’d love to learn more about how you tick in the bedroom and what your body likes and dislikes but I get scared to bring it up in the moment because I don’t want to disrupt the flow and because I feel shy or awkward talking about sex.
  
  I’d also like to get better at voicing my own needs during sex, and would love to practice giving you some direction or feedback about what feels good for me. I get anxious that this will make you feel like you’re not doing an amazing job, so I’d love to work together to practice giving and receiving feedback in a way that feels good to both of us.
  
  Most of all I want it to be a judgement free space where neither of us get offended or take it personally if the other doesn’t like something that we’re doing. We’re both just learning and that’s okay! I see it as an opportunity to get better at giving and receiving pleasure together. How do you feel about this?”
  

  
  TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND DISLIKE: Then you could go on to chat about the things that you know you like or don’t like:
  
  - “Is there anything that you really love or don’t like that I should be aware of?”
  - “I have really sensitive nipples so I love them being fondled gently or sucked, but I don’t love it when they’re bitten or if anything hurts!”
  
  Anything that you can share with each other that you know applies most of the time is helpful to lay the groundwork before you hit the bedroom.
  
  
  Then CREATE A GAME PLAN together about how you’ll operate in the bedroom and how you’re going to go about actually doing communicating part. Include WHAT needs to be communicated about and HOW/WHEN you want to do it.
  
  For example:
  - Maybe you agree to let each other know when something feels especially good with a non-verbal indication like a moan or a sigh.
  - Maybe you ask for more explicit, verbal feedback or cues for feedback.

  - Maybe you ask for them to use a whispered, deep or breathy sexy voice to keep the mood feeling steamy for you.
  - Maybe you agree that at any moment throughout it’s okay for either of you to ask if something feels good or if you’d like more or less of something.
  - You might agree that at any time either of you is allowed to speak up about their experience in the moment when needed without the fear of the other being offended or taking it personally. Or maybe you agree to have a debrief afterwards each time to swap notes on what was working really well for you and what wasn’t your fave.
  - Maybe you decide that you’ll check in if either of you starts doing something new and say something like “is this good or do you want it softer, harder, faster, slower, somewhere else, etc?”
  - Or you might plan to ask each other for consent before progressing or moving to a new area/action.
  
  

• Once you are in the bedroom, APPROACH IT WITH LOVE AND TACT. Try to frame your feedback in a caring and productive way that actually gives them useful guidance. Rather than saying “I don’t like it when you do that”, try complimenting something that you do like first and then asking for what you’d like them to do instead of the thing that isn’t doing it for you. Eg. “I love it how you’re sucking my nipple like that, it feels amazing. Do you think you could slow down with your fingers a bit though? It feels the best at the moment when you take it super slowly.”
  Focus the most on what you do love and what feels great to you, rather than on the negative. No put downs or criticism, just kind and thoughtful guidance and suggestions.
  

  
  Remember that as with every new skill, communication takes practice, sex takes practices, and communication about sex definitely takes practice, so be gentle with yourselves as you navigate these delicate waters.
  

  
  Lastly, if you find yourself with someone who simply isn’t on board with learning to communicate maturely, give them the flick, STAT! It’s not worth sacrificing your own needs because the person you’re with can’t meet you on this level! xx