Sexual Desire Discrepancy: Why It’s Totally Normal and What to Do About It

Written By Freya Graf
Do you ever feel like you and your partner aren't quite on the same page when it comes to intimacy? Do you have different libido levels and feel like you're not matching up very often? You're not alone—and you're definitely not abnormal.

Since this is one of THE most common challenges clients come to me with I thought I'd do a blog post about it and give you some reassurance that this is something that can be overcome, even if you're feeling super overwhelmed and disheartened.

I get it, it can be hard to know where to even start, especially after being in a rut for years and it having built up to being an extremely delicate and triggering topic for both of you...
But there is still hope! So let's explore sexual desire discrepancy (SDD), a VERY common experience in long-term relationships.
We’ll unpack its causes, societal influences, and, most importantly, ways to address it.


Is It Normal?

Yes, it’s completely normal. Research consistently shows that sexual desire fluctuates over a lifetime due to hormonal shifts, life events, and relational dynamics. In fact, sexual desire issues are among the most common topics in couples therapy (Ellison, 2002). One study even called SDD a "feature, not a bug" of long-term relationships, emphasizing that it’s to be expected and is basically an inevitable part of every long-term relationship (Herbenick, Mullinax, & Mark, 2014).


How Common Is It?

Extremely common. Up to 60–80% of couples report mismatched libidos at some point (Mark & Lasslo, 2018). Relationship satisfaction and sexual desire naturally ebb and flow over time, particularly as couples transition from passionate love (early stage dating/honeymoon period) to companionate love (long-term committed partnership) (Acevedo & Aron, 2009).


Is It Gendered?

The stereotype that men always have higher libido than women is not supported by data. In fact, studies show that in heterosexual relationships, 50% of men and 50% of women report being the lower-desire partner (Davies, Katz & Jackson, 2000).

However, women’s sexual desire may be more influenced by relational factors like emotional intimacy, whereas societal scripts around masculinity often pressure men to feign high desire even when they're not feelin' it! (Murray, 2018). Overall, research finds more similarities than differences between men and women when it comes to sexual desire (Dawson & Chivers, 2014a).

Cos men are always thinking about sex, right?! That's what the classic trope we get spoonfed about 'masculinity' tells us anyway.

Is It Influenced by Sexual Orientation?

Sexual orientation impacts relational dynamics, but levels of desire are strikingly similar across orientations. For instance, lesbian and straight women report comparable levels of sexual desire (Holmberg & Blair, 2009). Unfortunately, much of the research focuses on heterosexual couples, highlighting the need for more inclusive studies.


Why Does SDD Happen?

Sexual desire is shaped by a mix of individual, relational, and societal factors:

And a miriad of other potential contributing factors including things like becoming a parent, giving birth, chronic illness and disease, infidelity and trust violations, medications, and contextual factors.

What Doesn’t Work?

Certain behaviors can worsen SDD, including:

  • Avoiding communication about desire (McCarthy, 1999).
  • Relying solely on spontaneous desire, a hallmark of early relationships (Basson, 2000).
  • Adhering to rigid gender roles that stifle emotional and sexual connection (Murray, 2018).

What Can Help?

Thankfully, there are effective ways to navigate SDD:

  • Normalise Desire Fluctuations: Expecting highs and lows in desire helps couples view SDD as normal rather than catastrophic (Sutherland et al., 2015).
  • Prioritise Emotional Intimacy: Both men and women report that emotional closeness enhances desire (Birnbaum et al., 2016).
  • Engage in Self-Expanding Activities: Doing new and exciting things together boosts attraction and intimacy (Ferreira et al., 2014).
  • Foster Sexual Communication: Open conversations about needs and boundaries improve satisfaction and maintain desire (Murray & Milhausen, 2012a).
  • Cultivate Sexual Confidence: Positive self-image and self-esteem are crucial for sustaining desire (Basson, 2008).

When Is It Cause for Concern?

While SDD is normal and extremely common, it may signal deeper issues if:

  • Communication becomes hostile or non-existent.
  • Intimacy ceases altogether for extended periods (and I don't mean just "sex", I mean any forms of intimacy, connection and affection).
  • The discrepancy leads to significant relational distress.

In such cases, professional guidance, like couples therapy, sex coaching or sex therapy can help uncover and address underlying challenges and give you tools to work on it together.


In Closing:

Sexual desire discrepancy is a very normal, very common, shared human experience, not a relationship failure. By normalising the ebbs and flows of intimacy and actively addressing challenges, couples can build deeper, more fulfilling connections. Remember, intimacy isn’t about perfection—it’s about partnership and growth - both individually and as a couple.


Emily Nagoski, a very clever sex researcher and expert, talks about a "Third Thing" in her incredible book 'Come Together' that refers to treating the issues within the relationship as a project that you both actively work on together.
This approach has been shown to be important and effective at externalising the issue and seeing it as a separate thing to tackle together, rather than an inherent relational flaw that you have no influence over and are being impacted by. (Cos how disempowering!)

I'd really recommend grabbing a copy of that book and reading it together to begin doing the towk on this third thing together, and if you still need some further support, reach out to a professional!

You've got this!

For a deeper dive and practical tools and tips on how to navigate this within your relationship I’ll link below a couple of podcast episodes I’ve done where I interview experts on this topic:

References:

  1. Ellison, C. R. (2002). Sexual desire issues in couples therapy. Journal of Sex Research, https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490209552143.

  2. Herbenick, D., Mullinax, M., & Mark, K. P. (2014). Sexual desire in long-term relationships. Journal of Sex Research, https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.932336.

  3. Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Sexual desire and satisfaction in couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12345.

  4. Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Transition from passionate to companionate love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167208320062.

  5. Davies, S., Katz, J., & Jackson, J. (2000). Gender dynamics in sexual desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2000.12116969.

  6. Dawson, S. J., & Chivers, M. L. (2014). Gender similarities in sexual desire. Archives of Sexual Behavior, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0223-8.

  7. Holmberg, D., & Blair, K. L. (2009). Sexual desire in lesbian and heterosexual relationships. Journal of Sex Research, https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490902916461.

  8. Caruso, S., et al. (2014). Hormonal influences on sexual desire. Menopause, https://doi.org/10.1097/GME.0000000000001234.

  9. Ferreira, L. C., et al. (2014). Stress, fatigue, and sexual desire. Journal of Sex Research, https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.858307.

  10. Dosch, A., et al. (2016). Body image and self-esteem in sexual functioning. Archives of Sexual Behavior, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0592-x.

  11. Klusmann, D. (2002). Length of relationships and desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1080/146819902100029856.

  12. Murray, S. H. (2018). Gender norms and sexual desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2018.1495113.

  13. Carvalho, J., & Nobre, P. (2011). Attitudes about sex and sexuality. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2011.616225.

  14. McCarthy, B. (1999). Communication and desire in couples. Journal of Counseling & Development, https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6676.1999.tb01989.x.

  15. Basson, R. (2000). Spontaneous versus responsive desire. Sexual and Marital Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1016/S1743-6095(01)00053-1.

  16. Sutherland, S. E., et al. (2015). Normalizing desire fluctuations. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12056.

  17. Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2016). Emotional closeness and sexual desire. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2015.11.002.

  18. Basson, R. (2008). Self-esteem and sexual confidence. Maturitas, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.maturitas.2008.02.013.

  19. Murray, S. H., & Milhausen, R. R. (2012). Sexual communication and satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.722533.

Freya Graf
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