Masturbation vs. Self Pleasuring
How you masturbate impacts how you have sex!
So what’s the difference between self pleasuring and masturbation and how does the way you touch yourself effect how you show up in the bedroom with others?
I had this question come up in my DMs recently and it’s something I talk about a lot on my poddy, The Labia Lounge, and in my online course, Queen Out, BUT I realised it’s a concept that many aren’t aware of and that it’s an important distinction to make for a number of reasons.
Many people, understandably, see these terms as interchangeable and don’t see how your own solo pleasure practice could have an impact on how satisfied you are in the bedroom with others.
But as a holistic sex educator and coach I believe strongly that your solo sexy practices DO have an impact on your partnered sex life and I want to give you a run down on exactly how the way you touch yourself can influence how you have sex, how you orgasm with others (or don’t orgasm with others), and what sort of lover you are.
So whether you “masturbate”, “self pleasure”, or simply don’t touch yourself at all, this article will give you an idea of how that may be bleeding into your experience in the bedroom with sexual partners.
Having a little “me time” is healthy and often engaged in for some common reasons such as…
reducing stress
exploring your body and erogenous zones
experiencing pleasure and sexual arousal
in response to horniness and sexual desire
to help get to sleep
it just feels good!
So then, what’s the diff?!
What does masturbate mean?
Well, to answer a super common Google search term - “masterbate meaning” - masturbation generally refers to a rather mechanical, goal-oriented act that’s aimed at getting a result. That result is usually a release, whether it be ejaculation or a quick clit-gasm.
The approach taken when masturbating is pretty wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am and there’s not a lot of self loving touch, slowness, foreplay, or reverence involved.
It’s the standard way most of us touch ourselves and is done more to get a fast result and squeeze out a quick ‘gaz in the most efficient way possible than it is to show ourselves love, truly explore pleasure, or learn about our bodies.
Often there’s porn involved and a very fast, friction-based kind of stimulation that uses intensity rather than any form of subtle sensitivity or connection.
Now, I’m not saying there’s any shame in doing this. It’s what most of us have always done and it’s pretty understandable.
We’ve been conditioned to be goal driven, to see orgasm as a release, and to be as quick as possible because we’ve learned how to masturbate in a culture steeped in sexual shame, taboo, and stigma. Many of my clients have told me stories of how as kids they used to try to get their masturbating done as quickly as possible before a parent walked in, or because they felt so much shame and ‘dirtiness’ around it that they just wanted to get it over and done with so they could get the release and stop feeling gross about themselves or nervous someone would catch them.
It often becomes a compulsion that we feel the need to do, for instance, because of a porn addiction, to help us get to sleep, or to knock the pesky horny urges on the head and feel a releases so you can get on with the rest of your day. But the moment we finish, a wave of shame, emptiness or exhaustion overwhelms. We immediately disconnect from this part of ourselves, jump straight back up into our heads, and compartmentalise the sexual aspect of ourselves, keeping it separate from the rest of our identity as we move through the world.
What does self pleasure mean?
A more intentional, connected and embodied approach to self touch.
Rather than being goal driven and release-seeking, self pleasuring is more about topping you up, not depleting you.
It’s a way of engaging with your sensuality and sexuality with reverence, with a dash of ceremony, and with more self love, patience and compassion.
Self pleasuring isn’t all about the orgasm and it doesn’t even have to be erotic or genital focused. Sure, it can definitely culminate in some juicy orgasms, but the general approach is more about slowing down, intentionally giving yourself pleasure and touch, and being really mindful about how you go about this.
Instead of heading straight for that fast-track highway to the Big O, self pleasuring takes the long, meandering route, exploring different pathways to pleasure along the way and edging closer to, and then away from, orgasm as a way of expanding the amount of pleasure you can hold.
For a penis-owner, this might look like not ejaculating at all but lovingly stroking and playing with yourself to build arousal and pleasure, then letting this plateau and waiting for your erection to settle down a notch before building the intensity back up again and repeating this for a while to simply dwell in the pleasure and turn-on without needing to expel it.
You can harvest your sexual energy this way and allow it to fuel you later instead of spending it all at once!
But most importantly for those who may struggle with erectile challenges or premature ejaculation, this sort of practice where you slow down and edge for longer periods of time will train your body to last longer in sex.
If you engage in longer and more intentional solo pleasure sessions, the way you touch a lover will organically shift to be more honouring and attuned to the receiver, and you’ll be able to keep your erection longer without blowing your load because you’ve conditioned yourself to do so.
Whereas, when you only ever have quick, fast n’ furious maz sessions where you’re yanking on your dick with a tight grip and loads of friction, you’re conditioning yourself to come very quickly, just as you do when you masturbate.
Your body will do what it usually does and what it’s been trained to do during your solo sessions because that’s the blueprint it’s been given and that’s the pleasure pathway it’s most used to following.
On the flip side of that, some penis-owners may actually have issues with keeping an erection or not being able to cum during sex because they’ve desensitised their cocks by hard, friction-based wanking.
This can happen to the point where you need way more intensity and hard and fast stimulation just to get the same level of sensation or arousal.
So then this impacts how your body responds in the bedroom with a lover and impacts the way you have sex with them because you’ll be having to fuck super hard and fast with more in-and-out penetration to get the friction and intensity that your dick needs to stay happy.
(This type of jackhammer boning is notoriously disliked by most vaginas – at least until they’re insanely turned on – and will generally not serve you in the bedroom with another person who has to cop that pounding just so that your dick can feel something!)
Learn about some other lady-boner killers!
Then when we look at how masturbating in a goal-driven, friction-based way for vag-owners impacts them during sex, we see a similar thang.
When we only maz by rubbing the clit or using a vibrator externally to have a quick clit-gaz, we are also training our vulvas to only come from a very specific and limited method of stimulation.
It means that when we’re in the bedroom with a lover and they’re using their fingers or cock to try to give us pleasure through penetration or through more subtle means, like a bit of gentle oral play or perhaps nipple sucking, our vag is gonna be like “yaaaawn!” because we’ve trained it to respond to friction-based clit stimulation only!
If we only ever go straight for the clit or genitals and don’t love up our boobs and nips first, or drop into the parasympathetic nervous system with some relaxing practices like massage or meditation, then we’re going to be bypassing the full potential of our arousal processes that allow for our internal erectile tissue to become engorged. (Learn more about female arousal processes.)
And if we bypass this necessary erectile engorgement, we wont have access to internal orgasms and pleasure, which will mean that when we hit the sheets, our pussies don’t respond to penetration and instead, are just waiting for the vibrator or frantic clit rubbing.
So as you can see, the way we touch ourselves and the way we make ourselves cum when solo has a direct impact on what our bodies and brains are trained to respond to when with a partner.
Self pleasuring can be a tool for discovering and creating new pleasure pathways to arousal and orgasm, as well as honouring the body in a patient, mindful way. It’s a practice and a beautiful part of a nourishing self love and care repertoire. It can be used to build body literacy and mastery of your arousal and pleasure capacity.
Whereas, while there is a place for masturbation and everyone can enjoy a quickie now and again, it’s generally less rewarding and less constructive as a tool for pleasure because it can create unhelpful patterns and habits that will limit your pleasure and performance in the bedroom.
Learn how to solo pleasure like a total Queen in my signature online program Queen Out where I have several modules that take you step-by-step through how to create an incredible self pleasure practice and teach your body to cum in diverse ways!