Behind the Scenes at a Play Party with Virtue and Vice
Freya Graf [00:00:00]:
This program is brought to you by Pussy Magnets. Welcome. Welcome, my lovely lumps, or should I say lovely labs? I'm so thrilled to have you here in the Labia Lounge. We're gonna yarn about all things sexuality, womanhood, relationships, intimacy, holistic health, and everything in between. Your legs. Oh, can't help myself. Anyway, we're gonna have Vag-loads of real chats with real people about real shit. So buckle up.
Freya Graf [00:00:35]:
You're about to receive the sex ed that you never had and and have a bloody good laugh while you're at it. Before we dive in, I'd like to respectfully acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which I'm recording this, the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation. It's an absolute privilege to be living and creating dope podcast content in Naam, and I pay respect to their elders past, present, and emerging. Now if you're all ready, let's flap and do this. Oh my god. Is there such thing as too many vagina jokes in the one intro? Whatever. It's my podcast. I'm leaving it in.
Freya Graf [00:01:28]:
My new mini course for free before I start charging for it in future. It's for people with vulvas and it's quick to complete. It's all about demystifying the female body and pleasure anatomy and getting some basic fundamentals to understand your body better. It's called Pussy Pleasure Secrets, Your Roadmap to Bedroom Bliss. You can grab it on the freebies page of my website or in the show notes. It's a great little free resource to kind of dip your toe in or act as a bit of a taster for my work. So if you've ever been curious about this sort of thing and you just don't know where to start or you want a really quick, easy, accessible, non threatening way to get the ball rolling and start working on this stuff, this is a great place to start. Hey.
Freya Graf [00:02:12]:
Hey, labial lovers. Welcome back. So you may remember a recent episode about how I went to my first ever sex party, which was pretty interesting experience for me, that I just had to talk about on the podcast, of course. So if you haven't listened to that one, go back and check out the episode. I think it's called something like vanilla queen goes to sex party. But as a result of that episode, I've been in touch with Kate who actually ran the event and who was generously open to coming on the potty to chat about the ins and outs of actually putting on these sort of play parties, sex on premises type events, which I imagine is a whole thing, and there's probably so much that, you know, we couldn't imagine that goes into that. So a bit of background on the, I guess, would you say, events company or I don't know. That Kate's, started up called Virtue and Vice.
Freya Graf [00:03:09]:
So just launched in Melbourne and female driven, Virtue and Vice aims to reinvent the kink and sex party scene in Melbourne for a new era of uninhibited adult fun. Having parade into the world of adult events, we saw the opportunity to create a new and exciting experience that focuses on making making all guests, but women in particular, feel comfortable engaging in the scene in a safe and comfortable environment. With an comfort, hygiene, and casual luxury, our goal is to create sexy, cultivated spaces for like minded individuals to explore their desires with new and exciting performances to make your night unforgettable. Supported by our crew of glorious consent angels, we offer a welcoming and nonjudgmental space to learn, explore, meet, and play. Virtual advice are kink and fetish friendly and welcoming to the LBGTQ plus community. Amazing. So welcome, Kate.
Kate [00:04:07]:
Thank you. It's nice to be here.
Freya Graf [00:04:10]:
So excited. There was, like, definitely a part of me that was, like, a bit hesitant to do a podcast episode on this because I'm in very new territory for me. And then I was sort of sort of thinking, oh gosh. I wonder I wonder how good of a job I'm gonna do at, like, describing, you know, this sex party experience given that I've only been to 1. You know? And it's so so I was really wrapped that and, you know, I I prefaced that on the the original podcast episode saying, hey, guys. I'm no expert. I've been to 1 fucking play party, and, like, this is this was the time that I had, but I'm so open to hearing about other people's experiences. And, you know, so I'm really excited to have the opportunity to chat to you and pick your brains and, yeah, hear your side of things and and your experience in in the scene and the industry.
Freya Graf [00:05:01]:
So I'd love just, first of all, to hear, how and why you kinda got into putting on events like this. Maybe I don't know if you're comfortable talking about the first ever play party you went to or experienced. You don't have to talk about that, but, basically, give me a bit of a rundown on, like, the kind of conception of all of this.
Kate [00:05:24]:
Well, first of all, thank you for talking about it because you you did so in such a glowing, wonderful way, which made us want to a, like, ask you ask you all question more questions about your experience, clarify a few little things, and just keep the conversation going. Obviously everyone's experience is different but it was really really wonderful to hear yours but particularly as someone who's never been there before and someone who managed to talk to people on the night who had been to lots of parties that was it was really good to hear. Cool. Yeah.
Freya Graf [00:05:57]:
I thought there might be some things you, you would be like, I want to set the record straight about that.
Kate [00:06:01]:
We do in the best way. I was like, oh, there's just a few things that we, you know, we want to add. So personally for for the brand, it was actually conceptualized before the dreaded COVID. I started doing the research into what it what it took to put on an SOP party, as you said, a sex on premises party, because back in at that point there was a lot more sort of legislation around it. It's all changed now, but so I did all the research. It was hard to figure out to get to the right contacts to get the things we needed and when I finally did get this guy on the phone who was but obviously it was his department, he goes, well it's been a little while since I've I've heard one of these, you know, heard a request for one of these. Obviously, it doesn't happen very often, didn't happen very often, and I suppose, yeah, I suppose that was borne out by the fact that in Melbourne, I think at that point, particularly the same ones kind of were in existence and have been for some time, and I don't know that that I mean, I'm talking almost 5 years ago that, they hadn't changed much, there weren't many new ones at that point. So we looked into it and then obviously COVID happened and it all went by the wayside, and then it just we just got back into obviously normality and the brand launched in the end of last oh, sorry.
Kate [00:07:27]:
Where are we in 2024? It's been going for since the end of 2022. So we went out, yeah, which was exciting. So I finally bit the bullet and decided to go through with this idea that I'd had for some time. The reason it was launched was because, like you said, I had obviously been to a couple of play parties, and I just saw that there was a space in the market for an event that was much more cultivated in terms of the actual space that it was held in. Most of them are held in clubs, which is fine that's that's that's a whole vibe and, and it's worked for decades. That's that's happened, in Melbourne for decades and people love those qualities, but I just thought as a woman, personally, I wanted the ambiance to be a bit sexier, a bit more and a bit more comfortable. I know that sounds weird because it's such an uncomfortable space to be in, but a bit more comfortable, and I wanted it to be sort of beautiful and intentional and and things like that and and real focus on hygiene because I think that's, I mean, men and women alike, but I think particularly women are conscientious of hygiene. Big time.
Freya Graf [00:08:45]:
So Yeah.
Kate [00:08:46]:
Yeah. So that's that's, you know, the the cleaner things are, the dirtier you wanna get is the way we put it. I love that.
Freya Graf [00:08:54]:
Well, yeah, that was definitely one of my questions. And anytime you talk to anyone, that's one of their first questions. It's like, okay. So, like, how like, is there a lot of vinyl? Like, what kind of surfaces are there, and then how do you think they clean the place afterwards? So, like, give us the the down low on that side of things.
Kate [00:09:12]:
That was the exact question that sort of spurred us to to do it a little bit differently because obviously at clubs it's you know on on like Saturday night it's a club and then the next the following Friday night it's a sex party, so who knows who knows what what, what goes on? But I think regardless of what happens, I think it's about what seemed to be happening. It's, it's more about for me, particularly, may maybe the maybe the hygiene's wonderful, but we don't see it, so we don't know. So for me, it was about, our difference when it comes to cleanliness and things like that is we have, so for a start we have we have a much bigger space, so we have beds and we have this beautiful bed linen which gets checked and changed regularly throughout the night. We have towels, you don't have to but you can grab a towel and throw a a towel down. We've got wipes and and and things like that. It's all there. So so our guests are seeing it in real time, seeing seeing the hygiene happening. Just subtly, you know, will pop in every now and then quickly with the sheet off and, you know, let's all protectors and everything, pop a new sheet on and everyone goes, oh, it's all it's clean, it's fresh, it's, you know, and, you know, you can you can you can put a barrier between you and the space and and feel feel cleaner.
Freya Graf [00:10:34]:
Big thing to have that peace of mind. That definitely would be a huge distraction for me in being present and just experiencing, you know, pleasure and surrendering to that that present moment if I was, like, worried I was gonna, I don't know, roll over onto somebody else's chairs.
Kate [00:10:52]:
Not ideal. Not an ideal aphrodisiac.
Freya Graf [00:10:55]:
No way. Not a vibe. Okay. Amazing. So you kind of saw what was kind of preexisting in the space. There wasn't heaps of different variety or choice maybe. There were some gaps in the in the market that you thought, I could do I could do a better job of this, or I could do a different job that, you know, would cater to a slightly different market. What are, like, what were some of the things you were maybe experiencing in the sex party scene that you like, other than hygiene, that you wanted to, like, do better or something that you wanted to bring to the culture of that scene that was lacking? Because I know, like, you would have heard in my episode talking about it when I was chatting with some of, the kind of veteran partygoers, they were like, oh, yeah.
Freya Graf [00:11:40]:
It really really wouldn't be unusual back in the day, some of the parties we went to to kind of just be going going ahead with whatever you're doing in some creepy old guy come and, like, jerk off on your back with no pissing or something like that, you know, like Oh. So basically, you're trying to do a better job.
Kate [00:12:00]:
Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Look, I have to say that that organically the scene has changed over time as consent culture has changed slowly over time, it has changed anyway, but we we do put it in a really, really big emphasis on on consent. We have, as you as you mentioned, we have our consent angels, which is a concept that wasn't created by me, I can't take credit for that, but it's, sort of newish in the scene, and they are basically a bunch of the most incredible human, so they're vetted by by someone who's on our team, just to make sure that, you know, you can't put a 100% certainty that someone is the right person for the job, but we, you know, you get a vibe when somebody they get recommended by somebody else. And then they go through, we've stepped through kind of our expectations for consent, what it looks like to us, and unfortunately, unfortunately, I guess it depends on how you how you look at it. There's a lot of grey area with consent because in a situation where the music is loud, passions are high, unfortunately, you know, some someone's yak looks like someone's yum, you know, someone's pleasure might look like someone's pain, so it's it's a really, really delicate balance, but they're just there to create like another layer of safety. If they see something that they they can see is obviously wrong, someone's in distress, they can step in.
Kate [00:13:35]:
But mostly, it's just there so that, you know, at, at the door they get the guests get a little spiel. 'These are our angels. This is what they're wearing. They wear these, LED angel wings, and if you need them, you can go to them and they can help you with any question you might have, any anything you might have, not just about concern about anything to do with the party you can go to them.
Freya Graf [00:13:59]:
Gotcha. Yep. Yep. I think I must have missed them somehow and just walked straight through because there was an influx of people at the same time as I arrived, and I was all very confused about what to do and where to go. So I just, like, ran to the toilets. Yeah. But I did, read on the event that there was the consent angel. So even, I guess, just the awareness of knowing that they're floating around and but, I mean, what a tricky job because, you know, like you were saying, sometimes someone's yum looks like maybe yuck.
Freya Graf [00:14:27]:
But then I think the more dangerous way that I could go is, like, someone having a yuck time, but, you know, in freeze response or fawn response or not actually looking like they're having a bad time because they're, I guess, going along with it and just sort of faking it. And it's like, how on earth would a consent angel be able to even pick that out? You know? And I suppose with any sexual, like, environment, even if it's just 2 people at home on their own. Like, there's always going to be a risk of that happening where, you know, someone's going along with something that they don't wanna do or they don't feel comfortable with, and they've you know? So it's it's tricky to navigate, but I guess it's just such an intense, space to have to hold because there's just so much higher risk of consent violations or discomfort because of the scale of how many people there are, and it's dark and it's loud and everything you just said. So that's really like like, do you get nervous about that? It feels like a lot to kind of try to hold and navigate well.
Kate [00:15:32]:
We do. Obviously, people's safety is is kind of like the most important thing to us, and we're we're very reactive, like, when something happens, you know, we've we've got a little chat that goes on throughout the night and people, like, all that angels pull the information that, you know, this is what we'll see, this is what we're, you know, even just things we're flagging. I've seen this might not be a problem yet, but, you know, all angels keep an eye out. We also operate under the, you know, this concept of dignity of risk that that people are here, they're adults, they have personal agency, they're making choices, and we are there to help. We're not there to you have to let people do what they do to a certain extent, and just sort of be be there ready ready to to deal with something when it pops up.
Freya Graf [00:16:19]:
Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, they're not, you know these people are adults with agency that have chosen to come to a sex party, hopefully, because they're into that. And, you know, they they have some okay communication skills and boundaries and everything like that, and I really loved seeing the kind of creative ways that that could be, I guess, scaffolded with, like, the posters on the walls about the wristband system and things like that, which was really cool. That was, like, a new concept to me. So, yeah, I'm loving hearing about the thought that you've put into the consent culture and just creating a safe space because, yeah, it does sound like it's not being done particularly well in some other spaces. So have you noticed you've attracted, like, a different crowd, or are there, like you know, is there this interesting because because with any new, I guess, like, events business, like, you're coming onto the scene. You're trying to create a particular culture around your events, which means you'd wanna bring certain kinds of people, blah blah blah.
Freya Graf [00:17:22]:
But it's also like you're kind of not fully starting from scratch because it's such a niche thing that, you know, people who enjoy play parties probably hear about a new one and, like, oh my god. Cool. So do you kind of have an you know, I don't know. Maybe you can't tell. I don't know how you would, gauge this. But with regards to, like, the crowds you're drawing, the tickets you're selling, like, is there kind of an interesting combo of, like, you know, the older, play party goers, the veterans that have been going to, like, a different scene for years and are kind of set in their ways of how they behave. And I don't know. I imagine maybe an older generation probably, like, not this is just, you know, an assumption rule of thumb, tend to not be as on top of the, like, consent stuff.
Freya Graf [00:18:06]:
You know, they just grew up for a lot longer in the patriarchal systems than, like, the younger generation who, like, you know I guess, like, my friend that's involved is sort of younger generation into, like, festivals and a lot of kind of more fringe, I guess, doof culture, consent culture, BDSM culture. How has it gone, like, with these the mingling of these different demographics of play party goers that all have the one thing in common that they wanna go to a sex party, but maybe have a totally different approach or different experience to it?
Kate [00:18:40]:
You're right, there's a whole different, a wildly varying guest, like a base of guests. We were lucky enough that the sort of people we we made contact with initially who have helped us like create the party like and cultivate this thing that we've made were really big in scenes where consent was really big. So it's sort of grown in communities that were really heavily based on consent, which is wonderful. I don't want to obviously, this is not a hard and fast rule, so I don't want to offend anybody, but as you said, you know, the older mindset in this scene was less about consent. It was less about, and it was a lot about I've heard a lot about, instances where someone would do something and then go oh, is that okay?' rather than going 'can I do x, y, z?' and, you know, to us that just sounds completely abhorrent, but obviously back in the day that was kind of the thing that was done perhaps once upon a time, so there is there is still changing mindsets and changing changing cultures. Obviously, at all of these events, alcohol is served, that's another factor that adds just another layer of complexity to the issue. And you know, what does consent, what does consent look like to you, what does, you know, what does someone's body language, like how well does each person interpret someone's body language and the way they're speaking and enthusiasm and things like that, so that obviously adds to our, the complexity of the issue. But we do, like I said, we do have a good, really, really good base of people who are really, really strong into consent culture.
Kate [00:20:25]:
We seem to be one of the parties that we span, you know, in Melbourne there are kind of like the old school, swingers, there's kinksters, obviously the BDSM and kink community really, really heavily into, consent and things like that, which is wonderful. There's sort of like a poly crowd, which we stand out as well. We tend to find that there are wildly varying age ranges. So we, as you mentioned, we tend to be more like the 20s to 45, but that's certainly not the lowest. And, no, there are 18 year olds that come.
Freya Graf [00:21:03]:
So
Kate [00:21:03]:
there's, different crowds, different age ranges, different genders, obviously. We I've had some feedback recently after your podcast actually, you know, chatted with people and I was like, you know, we are like LGBTQ and queer friendly and they go oh yeah but you're not the you're not like the the most' and I'm like okay, how do we how do we do that? Because, like, you know, you look around even at our group of angels and they're so diverse, they are so wonderfully diverse, and it's it's about how do you as a brand, how do you put out to the community that that you are genuinely welcoming to everybody And, you know, we we think we're doing that, but, obviously, we obviously can probably do it better.
Freya Graf [00:21:47]:
Yeah. I mean, it's so tricky though because it's probably not a gigantic pool of of, like, potential partygoers that you're working with because it's quite niche and not it's not everyone's cup of tea. And then there would be a lot of, like, insecure, like, fear, I guess, and apprehension about a newcomer, you know, coming in. I'd I'd imagine, generally, people who haven't been to 1 would need a friend who's involved that would take them along or a lover. And so, you know, you wanna run a successful event and have a lot of people because then it's more of a vibe. You there's you know, you sell more tickets. It's also more choice for the people in there. But at the same time, yeah, that kinda means that I mean, yeah, you I I feel I get the feeling and, you know, probably someone will be pissed off and annoyed by me saying this, but all of all of my queer friends are basically, like you know, they don't actually enjoy an event unless it is, like, almost exclusively queer.
Freya Graf [00:22:41]:
Not just queer friendly because, of course, if it's queer friendly, but it's just open to everyone, you know, queers are still a minority in the overall population. So, of course, that's gonna be representative in the scene. But if it's like a a queer specific event, then all the queers flock to that knowing that there'll be lots of different, you know, like, diverse people that they can engage with, and it also just feels safer because a lot of them, like my friend calls, oh my god. What is it? I'm gonna he's got this slang term that's like the straight version. Oh, straggot. He calls us straggot, like a straight faggot. Yeah. And it's meant to be kind of playful, but like a derogatory, but playful kind of slang to talk about, like bloody straysies, you know, because they're very, like, fuck partying with, like, straggots and stuff like so, you know, I feel like it would actually be quite hard to make it as queer as the queer people want it to be without making it exclusively queer.
Freya Graf [00:23:41]:
But I feel like, I guess, as you know, you're quite fresh as momentum gathers and word-of-mouth spreads and, you know, you've got, like, these amazing, like, big venues that you're putting on parties at. So it's like, yeah, there can there could be, like, a whole queer space within that, kinda like how you had the kink dungeon for the kingsters. Like, you could I mean yeah. There there'd be ways, but gosh, it's such a battle. You can't please everyone either. Like, that's the thing. Yeah. Hey, baby babes.
Freya Graf [00:24:11]:
Sorry to interrupt. I just had to pop my head into the lounge here and mention another virtual lounge that I'd love you to get around. It's the Labia Lounge Facebook group that I've created for listeners of the potty to mingle in. There you'll find extra bits and bobs like freebies behind the scenes or discounts for offerings from guests who have been interviewed on the podcast. They'll also be, hopefully, inspiring, thought provoking conversations and support from a community of labial legends like yourself. My vision for this is that it becomes a really supportive, educational, and hilarious resource for you to have more access to me and a safe space to ask questions you can't ask anywhere else. So head over to the links in the show notes or look up the Labia Lounge group in Facebook, and I'll see you in there. And now back to the episode.
Freya Graf [00:24:58]:
2five
Kate [00:24:59]:
Yeah. Look, we're trying, we're trying to to be as open as we can and let I mean, I suppose all you can do is is kind of develop through our reputation that that all kinds of people, all kinds of, presentations, all kinds of, what would you call it? You know, the things that people wanted to get involved with are welcome. I mean, just as an example, someone mentioned in the chat that they had a friend who was, like a male friend who was bi, who wanted to come and they hadn't seen much of that, you know, going on, and or yeah, they hadn't seen much of it going on and would it be, you know, if that was to happen, you know, like 2 male males engaging, like what would the the vibe be? And the wonderful reaction from the angels going, you know, we we would kick out anyone who was who was saying oh that's great', you know, like obviously there are these perceptions about what what you will face and hopefully over time we can show that they're just not true that that, you know, anyone shown to be, yeah, you know, being derogatory towards someone else is just not welcome.
Freya Graf [00:26:03]:
Yeah. Yeah. I think, like, obviously, you can't be everywhere at all times, but maybe something that I've found because, you know, sometimes people also find it hard to sort of speak up and maybe hooking up with a, you know, like, a male hooking up with another male, amongst so much, like, heteronormativity might not feel particularly safe even though it it might be. Just it might feel unsafe. But what I appreciate that could be some kind of, like, sort of something you do is when I go to, like, a bar or a venue and, you know, on the back of the toilets, there's just posters being like, if you if the if you ever feel unsafe, if there's any dickhead behavior, we have a zero tolerance policy. Come and see someone behind the bar or a consent angel or whatever. You will be believed, and we will kick them out. Like, if I just see that, I automatically feel safer in a venue because I know that the staff and the organizers are, like, gonna have my back and that that would encourage me rather than maybe, like, doing something.
Freya Graf [00:27:00]:
And then if someone just looked at me or said something a bit, you know, judge y or made me feel unsafe in any way, rather than maybe just stewing on it and then moving into a different space or leaving, I would be like, do you know what? No. I actually know that I'm totally gonna be encouraged to go and speak up about this, and I can go and, you know so maybe even just some stuff. I think it's like the you know, when the event's happening, there's only so much you can do. But if you've created this, like, foundation, like, you know, that's why we read out the whole kind of, spiel of the event that Mark had written because it was so great to kind of have the consent structure stuff set up first. And, obviously, not everyone's gonna read it, and, you know, there'll still be some people that just buy tickets and rock up. And, but, you know, like you're saying with the consent angels giving the spiel at the start, it sounds like you're kind of putting these things in place before people come in so that when they're in there, they know that they're held, you know.
Kate [00:27:58]:
It's it's funny you say that because I'm I'm horrified to say that the one event that you went to so we do have consent signage and it managed to not not make it up on the event on that one night, which I'm ashamed to say is on me because I'm obviously, I'm the, I'm the main girl and everything everything stops with me, but we do have consent signage and we're reworking it all the time. We're currently working on reworking it. Oh, Abby. Adding more.
Freya Graf [00:28:24]:
That's such a classic thing. I felt I felt like, I felt like, like, you know, doing the podcast and then hearing that you'd heard it. I had, like, a moment of, like, oh god. She's gonna think I'm, like, some mystery shopper that's kinda come in undercover to, like, critique it, which wasn't the case, obviously. But, yeah. So it's always the way, like, the one the one event that that thing isn't there, the fucking bloody sex coach wanders in and does a whole podcast episode about it. Yeah. All good.
Freya Graf [00:28:54]:
I think you're doing a good job,
Kate [00:28:55]:
haven't you? Thank you. I appreciate that. On the, on the people speaking up too, obviously we we can't do anything once the event's over, which which makes me sad because there had we've had some feedback with, you know, someone will say to a friend who, you know, and it comes back to us, like usually an angel feedback to us, oh, such and such happened at the event and they didn't tell anyone and I just can't stress enough that you you need to tell somebody. I understand why people don't want to, I feel I understand why they're not comfortable, but they absolutely can at any point in the night and what we thought about, like our action plan, I guess you'd call it, of how we deal with things is obviously in the first instance we make sure the guest feels safe, comfortable, come come sit with us in this quiet area and we'll have a chat about it and then we give them the option Obviously, we have we have the right to say to anyone you're gone catch you later, but we give that person the option to say would you like us to do nothing and just keep it in mind? Would you like us to just go have a chat with this person and say, hey, this thing that you did has made someone uncomfortable. It's not okay. Can you learn from it and just don't and not do it again and try to empower people's knowledge to change and do better, or we say to them, do you need them to gone, you know, is is that such a violation that that you don't think it's worth, you know, trying to re educate them and keep
Freya Graf [00:30:20]:
them there and we can get rid
Kate [00:30:22]:
of them? And people tend to like everyone handles things differently. I'm someone who would be like look, don't worry about it. I'm fine. But there are some people who obviously are not fine and that they want that person gone and that's also okay.
Freya Graf [00:30:36]:
I think that's so amazing, and that would be really awesome for people to and maybe this is part of the consent angel spiel at the start. But if I knew that I was gonna go because I think sometimes, and this has definitely happened with me, like, if something happens, especially women, we don't wanna make a scene. We don't wanna make a big deal. So we're worried about going and telling do it like dobbing on them in case that becomes a whole thing, and then they get kicked out, and then they know it was us that complained. And then we feel really anxious about that, and it's a whole drama. And sometimes we don't want the drama, so we just cop it on the chin, and we don't tell anyone. So I think it's awesome that you are aware of that. And and, you know, for the victim of whatever's happened, they get the choice to to say, yes.
Freya Graf [00:31:20]:
I want you to do something about this and kick them out, or no. I just needed to tell you, can you keep an eye on it? But for now Mhmm. I'm fine. Because that would encourage me a thousandfold to come and say something if I knew that it wasn't all or nothing. It wasn't gonna be like, you know, I either do nothing or, like, I go and say something, and it fucking wrecks my night or his night or a whole big thing comes of it, and then I feel really, like, agitated because of that. And it's just stressful. So that's really, like, self aware of you, I think.
Kate [00:31:51]:
I think it's just because it's like, we understand that everyone's different, and some people, like you said, they don't want the drama. They don't want it. They're like, I'm fine, but that person needs to know it's not okay. And then there are some people who are like, someone did something to me. I'm not okay. They need to go. And and every end of that spectrum is fine.
Freya Graf [00:32:07]:
Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Cool. Well, let's just segue into the segment get pregnant and die because then I've got a whole lot of more questions I wanna ask you. But for now, do you have a sex ed story or anecdote for us? Don't have sex sex because you will get pregnant and disaster. Don't have sex with a missionary position. Don't have don't have sex standing up.
Freya Graf [00:32:31]:
Just don't do it, promise?
Kate [00:32:37]:
I think it's gotta be the quintessential, I mean I don't want to age myself right, but my my sex education was was a long time ago,
Freya Graf [00:32:46]:
a long long time ago, without aging myself, But I think this
Kate [00:32:52]:
is lack of knowledge on the part of boys who don't know that, you can pee with a tampon in would be your
Freya Graf [00:32:59]:
worst. Oh my god. You know?
Kate [00:33:03]:
You have to take it out?
Freya Graf [00:33:05]:
Oh my god.
Kate [00:33:07]:
But how do you pee?
Freya Graf [00:33:11]:
Fuck. I forgot that that was something that yeah. I remember a a boy asking or well, saying that once years ago, but I'd completely forgotten that that was, yeah, like, a bit of a common assumption or misconception. That's so funny. Oh my god. Yeah. The correct knowing the correct amount of holes, it seems so basic to me now. I can barely relate to, like, anyone not knowing that.
Freya Graf [00:33:34]:
But I guess, like, if you don't have a badge, like,
Kate [00:33:37]:
how are
Freya Graf [00:33:37]:
you gonna know? I suppose. I mean, didn't pay attention in anatomy class. Wow.
Kate [00:33:41]:
That was a good one.
Freya Graf [00:33:42]:
Thank you. That really tickled me. So what are, like, the, we've probably touched on this and stuff, but what are some of the biggest challenges you've faced trying to make this whole thing happen? Like, has it been a rocky road? Have there been, like, fires you've gotta put out? Has there been resistance or backlash in any way? Obviously, you talked about the legislation kinda changing. There being a lot of hoops to jump through and stuff, but, like, talk to me about, like, some of the hardships faced by someone just trying to put on a dope play party.
Kate [00:34:17]:
Oh, you can't even imagine,
Freya Graf [00:34:20]:
well
Kate [00:34:20]:
we got through we got through it all, so it's it's all it's all good and you know like issues still pop up and we're still we always, you know, we're still rolling with it, but initially like the logistics of it was, was difficult, even just so I had I conceptualized this idea and the idea like approaching the venue and as you mentioned we we, hold out our flagship event at the Melbourne Pavilion, and they were wonderfully generous enough to let us have it there, which is amazing because it's the most glorious venue and it really suits our needs. But even just like approaching that issue, you know, the first email I had to send them to to to lay out this is what I want to do in your gorgeous venue' and I honestly expected I expected, not to be, like, to be laughed at, but they they obviously went with it. And then just the logistics of putting it together obviously, like I said, we bring in beds, we bring in furniture, all of this all of this kind of decor and stuff because we want it to be beautiful and comfortable and stuff, so that was that was a mission. That's an ongoing mission unfortunately because we have to we have to do it every time. Yeah. but I suppose the biggest issue was it is a small scene. Melbourne is a big city, but it is a small scene and people were suspicious of of us coming in, you know, because particularly because I obviously, I'm very, very positive and I don't, I don't put my name or my face to it. It's about B&B, it's not about me.
Kate [00:36:05]:
So people were like, who are these people? What are they, you know, what are they doing? What do they want in our community? And so trying to get the message out to people that we, like you said, we just want to put on a dope party, we just want to, we want to make this beautiful thing for you, was really difficult. So, so yeah, we had a lot of a lot of criticism and a lot of, suspicion at the beginning and, you know, we had some teething issues, we had, we had an issue, a massive issue, which I don't know whether you're aware of or not, it's, with, the photographer for the first event we were sponsored, and the photographer, we had an issue with photos being posted without consent, which was devastating. Absolutely devastating to us.
Freya Graf [00:36:50]:
The photographer just posted them online or what are we talking?
Kate [00:36:55]:
Yeah, so the photographer took them and the sponsors posted them.
Freya Graf [00:36:59]:
I don't
Kate [00:36:59]:
know if I should
Freya Graf [00:37:00]:
be able
Kate [00:37:00]:
to name names, but it nearly ruined us that was our very first event and that was the best image people had of us. Oh no. It was devastating and you know like even just as a human being, I like putting myself in the position of people who had their photos posted, I can't even imagine what that would have been like. So we cut ties, we had it all, it was all resolved and we have managed to, I suppose earn back the respect of the community by so we don't have any guest photography anymore at all, which, you know, now that I think about it, like in hindsight, why? Why would you have why would you have photographers there anyway? I get that some people are into that.
Freya Graf [00:37:42]:
Do other play parties have photographers
Kate [00:37:45]:
there? They do, they do, and you know you'll routinely be playing in like in the midst of play and someone will pop the camera in face and go can I
Freya Graf [00:37:54]:
take a photo?
Kate [00:37:54]:
And it's just
Freya Graf [00:37:54]:
it's it's
Kate [00:37:54]:
water fain. But look some people some people are down for it Priya, so you know I don't really yuck anyone's yum.
Freya Graf [00:38:01]:
Yum. So, you
Kate [00:38:03]:
know, but we decided after that first one, you know, we still photograph because we have incredible performers, and DJs and things like that. So we still photograph them and we just ensure that there's no guests should. But, yeah, so so guest photography is is off our agenda now, and I think people love it, honestly, because they they there's no fear that they're gonna be brought in a photograph or have someone pop the camera in their face and go, hey, can I take the photos?
Freya Graf [00:38:29]:
Totally. Just just a bit bit less risky. It's like, of course, like, some people, especially the people on the more exhibitionist side of things, would love, you know, the photography element and then having those photos and, like, how hot. But, like, so tricky to navigate, especially for that photographer, like, knowing when it was welcome and when it wasn't and when to interject and I don't know. It just if I would feel very, like, unable to relax if there was a photographer floating around. And that, like, made me remember I was kind of, because I didn't I just didn't cloak my stuff. I had a friend who had a little little stage set up, so I just put my jacket behind the stage and stuff like that. And I was I was wondering because I had my and I had my phone in there, and I just at one point, I wanted to check the time, but I just felt so like, oh, no.
Freya Graf [00:39:17]:
It feels like I shouldn't get my phone out even though I'm not gonna take a photo. I don't think anyone would wanna see a phone present in here. And then I was like, oh, I wonder if I was supposed to, like, check that at the door or something or whether there's, like, rules around phones and because I've definitely been to events where there's nudity involved or something, and you have to kinda, like, check your phone at the door. Or, like, are we just relying on, like, a trust system people not being dicks and not, like, getting their phones out at this event?
Kate [00:39:43]:
Bit a bit of both. So we we do trust that people won't do it. You are allowed to have your phone on you. Obviously, we live on our phones. We, you know, we text our friends, you know, where are you? I'm in the toilet. Even all of that stuff, And you I don't know. We we just we just live live with them on us. So we don't wanna we don't feel the need to take them away completely.
Kate [00:40:05]:
There are no phones at all to be used in the play spaces. Again, there's usually signage, unfortunately. Yeah. We have found that just people are just very respectful. There are spots to take selfies, so we set up, we've got a big the big neon that says 'big bar' and, you know, there are other spots that we say that are safe to take selfies, you know, when you're when there's a wall behind you and no one's around, we say to people, just be careful. No. Don't take it. Don't get anyone else in the photos.
Kate [00:40:35]:
Cool. And historically, people have been really good about it. I think because there's there's just this general notion that, you know, if you misbehave, you know, you don't get to come back, you know, you don't get to do this fun thing that everyone wants to do, so people are generally pretty good. I know there have been occasions where, you know, someone snapped a photo and an angel might have gone oh, hey, can I just have a look at that and just make sure you've got no one else?' People go oh, yeah, sure.' You know, so people are really good at it, but angels are really are really on top of it? Even the security are really on top of it. We've worried about there's any security there on top of it, and people are really good about it, you know. And you see the dignity of risk, obviously, we can't control everyone's behavior, but if we set the expectation and put it as best we can, we're we're trying to minimize the risk.
Freya Graf [00:41:22]:
Totally. Totally. What about, because when I was there, I was like, wow. What like, I wonder what this venue normally does and if they've ever had a play party here and, like, I wonder, like, how they managed to be open to it and stuff like that. And then I was thinking, oh, there's like a bar here. Are these bar staff people that they've brought in? Because the regular bar staff would be, like, really weird or untrustworthy or not vetted or whatever. Or have the bar staff just been briefed? Like, hey. I know that usually we have, like, you know, martial art fights going on in here, but, like, tonight, we're having a sex party and you on weddings.
Freya Graf [00:41:54]:
Oh my god. Yeah. So, like, very, very different. Like, did you just have to brief the bar staff? Did you bring in your own kind of caterers? Like, how does that work?
Kate [00:42:03]:
So they are they are venue staff. They were they were briefed by the venue beforehand that were explained what it is, what's going to happen, and then there were some teething issues like there's because one of the place faces I don't know if you noticed is quite close to one of the bars, so there's curtaining curtaining put up so that there's a barrier. We, yeah, we've said that, like, there's there's no shenanigans to go on sort of near that barrier. They were they were all briefed, so it's their choice whether they wanna come or not. And I think there was even an instance where someone arrived at work and went, oh, yeah. I can handle this. So it went, oh, I don't think I can. And they just went, that's okay.
Kate [00:42:38]:
You you can go home. Not a problem.
Freya Graf [00:42:40]:
Cool. So they're cool. Cool.
Kate [00:42:41]:
Benny would have been really wonderful.
Freya Graf [00:42:43]:
Yeah. And some of them some of them did get some of them
Kate [00:42:45]:
I go, this is this is really cool, you know? Which is awful.
Freya Graf [00:42:49]:
I would love that. Imagine, like, you'd be like, I love my job. This is sick. Like, you know, that's just such an interesting kind of thing to get to be a fly on the wall and have, like, an excuse to be there because you're working. So it's not as daunting as, like, going and attending, but you kinda get to, like, just just sort of observe and be like, okay. This is another world. This is a thing that happens. Am I into this? Maybe I should go to 1.
Freya Graf [00:43:13]:
You know? Yeah. That's cool. Oh, what else do I wanna ask? So do you just have to get, like, a forensic cleaner in afterwards? Like
Kate [00:43:24]:
They do some cleaning and we do some, like, some of the biopsy cleaning kind of thing, but it's people are generally pretty tidy. We we, you know, we we we make it easy for them to be tidy, so they're generally pretty sticky.
Freya Graf [00:43:37]:
Yeah. Cool. And I imagine, like, just, you know, when you're selecting venues, it's kind of a consideration. Like, you want, like, more vinyl, less fabric upholstery, less carpet, or is it I mean, because that's tough, though, because I've always been like, oh, fuck. All this like, what really doesn't appeal to me about, like, BDSM is, like, the leather and the vinyl and the, like it's uncomfortable. I like soft fabrics and, like, blankets and a comfortable mattress, and, like, that's how I like to have sex. So I've always just been like, I don't know how I would go at one of these things because, you know, just practically, they kinda have to have more, like, cold, shiny vinyl surfaces or, like, non absorbent surfaces and stuff. So, like, how do you, like, strike the balance? And is that a consideration when you're choosing venues, like things like carpet and furniture, or do you just bring all of your own shit in anyway?
Kate [00:44:29]:
We bring we bring basically everything that the shenanigans happen on, we bring in. So there's a bit of everything. There's all the BDSM, vinyl, leather, timber stuff, and then then we have, like I said, we have beds, couches, you know, with, like, covers and stuff like that. So there's a bit of something for everything. I'm with you. I like my thing is like like soft like plush velvety kind of thing, so that's the vibe of the boudoir is, the event that you attended it's called the boudoir that's that's the vibe and like beautiful jewel tones and, like, sheer curtains with a little bit of privacy and stuff like that. So
Freya Graf [00:45:00]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Kate [00:45:01]:
Something for everyone.
Freya Graf [00:45:02]:
Yeah. Cool. Love it. So was there anything that you heard on my podcast talking about my experience that you wanted to, like, speak on or elaborate on or set the record straight or maybe something you cringed at, or have a different perspective on. Like, we've kinda touched upon a lot of it already, but just wanted to see if there was anything else that I'd missed or that you listened and you're like, oh, far out, prayer. Excuse this quick interruption. I'm shamelessly seeking reviews and 5 star ratings for the potty because as I'm sure you've noticed by now, it's pretty fab. And the more people who get to hear it, the more people I can help with it.
Freya Graf [00:45:42]:
Reviews and ratings actually do make a big difference to this little independent podcaster, and it's really easy to just quickly show your support by taking that simple act of either leaving 5 stars for the show on Spotify or, even better, writing a written review and leaving 5 stars over on Apple Podcasts. Or if you're a real overachiever, you can do them both. That would be mad. If you're writing a review, though, just be sure to use g rated words because despite the fact that this is a podcast about sexuality, words like sex can be censored, and your review won't make it through the gates. Lame. Anyway, I would personally recommend doing that right now while you remember just to get on top of it and let me know you're with me on this journey. Thanks, gang. Enjoy the rest of the epi.
Kate [00:46:32]:
I actually really surprised you when you said oh there was someone in the toilets because I was like that's weird because you know like guys I've brought you all this beautiful furniture you don't need to have sex in the toilets, but also, I mean, if that's your thing, go for it. But funnily enough, I've never seen it.
Freya Graf [00:46:46]:
No. No. No. I didn't say that. My friend, Hannah, who interviewed me was like, you know, and then someone fucking and I was like, no. No. No. I didn't say there was anyone fucking in the toilets.
Freya Graf [00:46:53]:
There was just someone in there with a strap on. Yeah. I didn't see any shenanigans going on in the toilets. Everyone. It's all above
Kate [00:47:00]:
the water. Sorry. Look. I mean, we're not we're not gonna keep it out if you do that, but it's it's it would be a weird thing to happen because there's so many nice places to happen with you news.
Freya Graf [00:47:09]:
Totally, totally.
Kate [00:47:11]:
Yeah. I think the thing was, I think I just wanted to have a discussion with you about, like, from your point of view, from your sort of more expert point of view, about your theories on on, the kind of fucking that goes on at the events because you mentioned it was it and I I can probably attest it kind of is more of that sort of impactful, repetitive stuff. And, yeah, I think you're I think you're probably a bit right. I wonder if people don't look so so we have we have separate spaces, so we have we started out with 2 spaces. We have the main play space, which is like the main DJs, which is where the dance floor is or the performers and stuff like that, so it's sort of more upbeat and stuff like that. And then we have, like our group space which always has a different DJ, really moody lighting. I'm not sure if you you got to be in there, like, I think you mentioned that if you're in that space, you're kind of in it. You're either playing or you're watching.
Kate [00:48:07]:
You can't, you know, you you're kind of in it or you're not, which is fine because there's there's there's, the capacity for people to like, no one's gonna be weirded out by being watched, that's that's what the group space is for obviously, but that's that definitely has a different vibe it's slower it's more sensual and the kind of shenanigans that go on there tend to be that more lovemaking kind of kind of obsessed. Yeah.
Freya Graf [00:48:33]:
Yeah. I thought that might have been the case because I was like, I only really felt comfortable sitting on the couches kind of on the outside of the dome area where it did seem like it was more brightly lit. There was more, like, group stuff going on and very kind of impactful, hard and fast sex. And I suspected maybe, like, the space that had, like, the 4 poster beds and the sheer kind of, like, fabric, and it was a lot dimmer in there and, you know, candles vibes. I didn't feel I guess because I've never been to 1, and I was like, I don't know if it's kosher. I know it's okay to kind of, you like like, watch, but maybe not just go and stand and, like you know, there wasn't, way. There's no mattress up there.
Kate [00:49:18]:
Yeah. I didn't Yeah.
Freya Graf [00:49:19]:
I didn't feel like I could just organically, like, sawn to buy and maybe just pull up a cushion and, you know, whereas whereas, like, with the other space, it was easier to kind of, like, be a bit of a voyeur. So I did I think I did say that to Hannah on the podcast. I was like, who knows? Maybe there was a lot more sensuality and slower, you know, lovemaking going on, and I just didn't see it. You know? I wasn't I wasn't I didn't have eyes everywhere at all times. But yeah. I I don't know. I just assumed, like, the the the people that wanted to have sex in the more brightly lit space in in that yeah. I don't know.
Freya Graf [00:49:57]:
Maybe that that was people like being watched, and it's more visually intense if they're having that sort of sex that kinda looks like more mainstream porn. I I don't know whether it's just the kind of expected standard and the sort of sex that they've always had or always seen in porn or at parties, and it and it's just kinda what's done. You know, it's also I I wasn't sure how many of them were, like, existing couples or already knew each other or whether they just met. And and, obviously, when you just meet someone for the first time and you haven't calibrated to how their body likes to be played with and, you know, maybe you just default to, like, fucking and yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think I think also maybe if there was I guess I see a little bit more oh, gosh. I don't know. I mean, I'm I haven't been to enough of these things.
Freya Graf [00:50:54]:
So maybe it's just because it was quite hetero in the in the play space that I was looking at the most. I don't know. Because, you know, then there was also, like, really gorgeous, like, very sensual shibari stuff going on and, like, you know, the burlesque and yeah, I don't know.
Kate [00:51:15]:
I wonder if people say that kind of like intimate sort of love making kind of thing for home as well. I wonder if it's like it's it's one thing to be exposed in the way of people watching you fucking, but then it's much more, I think, vulnerable to have people watch you in a really and and I suppose it's maybe it's harder to connect, like, really deeply with someone at a party. Just a theory. Obviously, I I I don't know if I can
Freya Graf [00:51:39]:
do that. Totally. Totally. Totally. Like, I'd say so. Like, the, you know, the only the only way I'm able to, like, really fully enjoy sex is if I'm able to be really present, and and that's kind of why it's never really appealed to
Kate [00:51:53]:
me to go to one
Freya Graf [00:51:53]:
of these spaces because I don't know how I would manage to stay very present with the person I was with, and in my own body amongst such a stimulating environment. And so, probably, like, they're already so stimulated, and it's also intense. And that's part of the appeal. And so then you're having this intense sex. It's really visually stimulating, and it's, you know, lots of, like, I guess, just yeah. I keep saying the word intense, but, like, the intensity of it is part of what makes it hot for some people, and it is more difficult and perhaps not really why people go to engage with just their partner in a really intimate, like, sensual, loving way because you can just do that at home, and it's easier to be present. And, yeah, it is it is more vulnerable maybe, and so that's probably not really the MO of the people that are that are going. It's more about adding the element of the external.
Freya Graf [00:52:47]:
You know, there are there's this external environment thing going on. Yeah. Totally.
Kate [00:52:52]:
That that horny kind of fucking is is quite theatrical and it's Yes.
Freya Graf [00:52:57]:
The more, like, exaggerated kind of external expression of sexuality because the part of that is, like, you are being watched, and so you are kind of putting on a show in a way. And and it is more kind of yeah. Yeah. I think I think that that must be I think we're nailing it. I think
Kate [00:53:15]:
that's probably a big part.
Freya Graf [00:53:16]:
Yeah. And maybe we can you know, who knows? Maybe if I have the labia lounge set up at some one of these, I can ask people. I don't know if it would be suitable or not, but, yeah, I would definitely love to find a way to kind of ask people some questions about about why they go and what they enjoy about it and what they get out of it. And, you know, I guess it's just a whole world that I'm not familiar with, but, yeah, I did kind of think, oh, I don't really know how the labial edge would fit into this.
Kate [00:53:50]:
Yeah. Well, there's 2 things on that, like number 1 that like to, you know, what people do there, there is a lot a lot of sex going on right? It's like it, you know, takes a little while to get going and then it and then there's, like, little pockets of stuff going on everywhere, and there's this central shibari and then there's, like, beds full of people and then, like you know quiet pockets where there's little beautiful things happening, but there's also, a lot of people who go there with with zero intention to have any kind of sexual sexual contact with anyone, and I think that it might be like generational as well, like, someone I can't even remember who it was, like commented on one of our events. I think these young people just want to go and be beautiful and be with you know not be beautiful, but you know what I mean? Like like their their idea of beauty.
Freya Graf [00:54:39]:
Dress up themselves
Kate [00:54:42]:
in the way that they like and be around other people who are not judging and, you know, like expressing themselves in their way, and I think there is a lot of that as well. We sometimes have themes and we sometimes don't, a little bit hit and miss, but now like we've had a matrix theme, like matrix triple last theme. Yeah. And the last one was was gothic, like you said, which some people are like no no no, but you know you don't have to dress the theme. This upcoming one in August is Ravishly Red, so just like, you know, like an all white party but like an all white party. So like some people just like to dress up and express themselves and they do like they there's like wild variations of how people present themselves, which is wonderful. Yeah, so oh, that was the other thing so, the wristband system is new we haven't done that before we've we've talked about it before, but the boys from SENZUK they kind of instigated that mostly with their rooms, but obviously carried into the main party. We're thinking about doing that little buttons or something next.
Kate [00:55:48]:
But the other thing from our point of view, obviously we have no, interest in enforcing things, but you kind of wanna you also want to know how to facilitate the most, like people to have the best experience you can and that's one of the ways that, you know, like these kind of parties have conceptualized because how do you know whether someone that you wanna be with, like someone who is is the thing, does the thing that you want, you know, wants to do the thing that you wanna do. And so that that, you know, like, short of interviewing everyone and going, okay, who are you? What do you like? Let's find you somebody, you know, that there's gotta be a way to, like, help people break the ice and and those wristbands were were really helpful because some and and some of them just say, like, don't don't wanna, you know, not interested in anything, don't bother, which is which is wonderful in itself. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Freya Graf [00:56:43]:
Yeah. I really loved that wristband system. I was, like, I was impressed. I was like, oh, I wish I wanna take a photo of that poster. I because I couldn't remember what the different categories were. Just I just remember hot makeouts and DTF. But I just think it's a really helpful way to, yeah, to create more of a culture around consent, and also it would make people feel a bit safer. Because, like, one thing I was, like, unsure of and found interesting is, like, I chatted with people there that I hadn't known previously.
Freya Graf [00:57:17]:
I bumped into some friends, and I knew, like, you know, I knew where we stood, but then I was, like, having some nice chats with other people and being like, oh, but also, we're at a sex party. So, like, are they, like do they maybe want to engage in some way, and how would I know? Like, I'm so used to just being in regular social settings where if I'm having a nice chat with someone I'm having a nice chat with someone and that that doesn't necessarily mean that, you know, they're keen to fuck or they wanna, like, play. But then if you're in this, like, setting of, you know, you're you are at a play party where that is on the table, potentially, I was like, oh, shit. Like, I wonder how I would tell if, like do you know what I mean? And so I think the wristbands can be helpful for just clarifying some stuff for people without even needing obviously, you still need to have a conversation before anything happens, but it can prevent, you know, if someone's not down to be approached at all, then the wristband will kind of be a safeguard for that. And then if someone, you know, is open to something and someone who's keen on them is unsure, they can sort of see the wristband, oh, this person is potentially open open to, like, engaging with someone in this way, and so now I'm gonna approach them and, like, talk to them about that or whatever. So, yeah, it's good. It's good because I think, you know, I mean, even in these spaces where people are generally better at communicating about desires and boundaries, there's still often the need for a little bit of a helping hand because it's tough it's tough sometimes. Yeah.
Kate [00:58:44]:
You know? Do I want to approach this person, like what if they don't, they're not interested in me, how would I know? It's nice to be able to, kind of, like, make that easier for people in little ways.
Freya Graf [00:58:54]:
Yeah, yeah absolutely love that.
Kate [00:58:57]:
You're asking what what things do I like what do I want people to know about the event? Yeah.
Freya Graf [00:59:01]:
Yeah.
Kate [00:59:01]:
I suppose one of the reasons one of the things that I wanted to put forward in the party was, you know, like, there's always the playing, there's always dancing, there's always drinking, if that's like, any of those things are your thing, but I kind of, I suppose because I get bored easily, I also wanted, a party to be an experience where you don't have to dance, you don't have to drink, you don't have to play, but there's there will still be something for you and it's, you know, so we we have performers all night, we have set, like, several performers all night on different stages. We've got the Danish Blue pop up shop, I don't know if you've heard of the Danish Blue, like, adult stores, so they're in, they are in South Melbourne, Saint Kilda, and now just opened up in Richmond. So they we've sort of partnered with them. They come and they do, like, really, really, like, discounted prices for our events.
Freya Graf [00:59:57]:
Oh, cool.
Kate [00:59:58]:
And they, yeah, they're wonderful. They're team set up there and you can buy like ready to play toys and things like that, and lingerie and stuff usually to theme, like they'll supply things that are kind to theme, so you know if you need a little push or if you, you know, don't want to bring your toys because people can bring their own toys and whatever, but if you don't want to you can pop up, like, you can go in there, you can use something to use immediately or buy something to use immediately or to take home for another day. So you can do that. There's there's always these little, like, I call them kinky curiosities like different, displays, and things like that. We have soft play spaces, we'll have like a Shabari, a couple of Shabari frames, so if someone, you know, if you are capable, you can set up, which I think is what you would have seen, so that was just we set up the space, make it safe for them, and then then people come and they do their thing. Mhmm. Because that, you know, everyone wants an opportunity to to do that, like, you know, perform for somebody or just for themselves or whatever they want that space, they can do things like that. There's, we just bought the projections.
Kate [01:01:00]:
I don't know if you saw there was we've got this, guy who does these cool projection, which we've just started doing just like there's all of these things to see and do. It's it's like the whole thing is like a little adventure that you go on to, you know, just discover different things. It's not just about going and dancing and drinking.
Freya Graf [01:01:18]:
Yeah. That was that was what I was gonna say. I've remembered. It is that you'd I think the assumption is if you go to a sex party, you have to have sex, and you're going to have sex. And maybe it used to be the case where if it was a smaller one, like, in someone's house or whatever for swingers, like, that's a little bit more, you know, you can probably assume that. But in at these events, like, something that I loved was it was so so acceptable to just go and, like, hang out and have a drink or have a dance or chat with new people or hang out with your friends. Like, I've literally been I am now a huge proponent of just, like because I like catching up with friends in different environments. Like, I'm definitely known to, all through winter, if I'm living in a house that has a good sized bath, friends will come over, any gender, and we're catching up in the bath.
Freya Graf [01:02:07]:
You know? Like Yeah. I love, like, doing massage swaps or going to catch up in different environments because I don't really drink. And so for me, like, that's not the main focus, and it was just really fucking cool to be in a social environment. And I said this on the other podcast. But, yeah, to be in a social environment that was so uninhibited, so shame free, so, like, you know, safe and judgment free and sex positive. Like, that's, you know, that's my jam, and it's so cool to, you know, go to a place where there's no pressure to actually engage, but, like, the option's there if you want to. And you can test some of your edges, and you can explore some of your desires or, like, you know, just dip your toe in without having to go the whole hog. And meanwhile, have, like, a really fun catch up with some friends or, like, a dance or some interesting conversations.
Freya Graf [01:02:57]:
And, like, that's fucking cool. It, you know, it makes, like, regular ways that people go and party and catch up seem a little bit boring, you know, because there's so many dimensions to this, and I think there was something very, very healing and liberating and refreshing about being in a a social space with a lot of people. There was, like, 500 people or something, you know, with all of the 530. Oh my god.
Kate [01:03:22]:
Woah. Congrats. Yeah. That's another point that I was I was gonna make, which which is why there was the, the bit of a a bottleneck getting in because we grew so much from the last one to
Freya Graf [01:03:32]:
be fine, and we we
Kate [01:03:33]:
have to reconceptualize how to get people in quicker because you don't wanna be standing out there waiting to come in and have fun. But, yeah, 6 630 at the last one, which is wonderful. Oh my gosh.
Freya Graf [01:03:42]:
Woah. Congratulations. That's a massive achievement. That's fucking huge. Well yeah. I mean, it was it was cool because it was exciting because, you know, you like there to be, like, a good amount of new different people that you've never met or seen before. Like, that appeals to me socially. And then just just being somewhere where, you know, all of me is welcome.
Freya Graf [01:04:04]:
People were very you know, seemed very comfortable in their bodies and their sexual expressions. That's, like, really rare, and you never usually get to see that outside of either the bedroom or, like, for me, I've probably seen it more than most just because I've done a lot of, like, neo tantra, sacred sexuality kind of workshops and retreats and trainings, and, you know, I massage vaginas for a living. So, obviously, it's all very normal for me to for nudity to be occurring and whatever. But, like, yeah, it was interesting seeing it in a space, that other other than, you know, certain spaces where some sexy stuff was going on, it it just seemed a bit like, you know, like a big party, a big club, where people were kinda having fun and socializing, but then there was this whole other element. So that was really cool, and I've just been like, everyone should go. Everyone should just go. Like, I know you don't think it's your thing. I didn't think it was my thing.
Freya Graf [01:04:56]:
It doesn't even have to be. Like, just go because it's, like, fun, and it's a cool experience. And, you know, I I really believe in dismantling the shame and the stigma around sex and bodies, and authentic expression, and this is a pretty powerful way of doing that. You know? Just just immersing yourself in an environment where the norm and the default is to be sexually liberated and and and positive. Like, it's it's pretty rare to find a space like that. So I think that that would be really beneficial to a lot of people just to change their perspective and help them feel more comfortable. Hey. Me again.
Freya Graf [01:05:32]:
If you'd like to support the potty and you've already given it 5 stars on whatever platform you're listening on, I wanna mention that you can buy some really dope merch from the website and get yourself a labia lounge tote, tea, togs. Yep. You heard that right. I even have labia lounge bathers or a cute fanny pack if that'd blow your hair back. So, if fashion isn't your passion though, you can donate to my buy me a coffee donation page, which is actually called buy me a soy chai latte because I'll be the first to admit, I'm a bit of a Melbourne cafe tosser like that. And, yes, that is my coffee order. You can do a one soft donation or an ongoing membership and sponsor me for as little as 3 fat ones a month. And I also offer 1 on 1 coaching coaching and online courses that'll help you level up your sex life and relationship with yourself and others in a really big way.
Freya Graf [01:06:25]:
So every bit helps cause it ain't cheap to put out a sweet podcast, into the world every week out of my own pocket. So I will be I'm dyingly grateful if you support me and my biz financially in any of these ways. And if you like, I'll even give you a mental BJ with my mind from the lounge itself. Salty. And, I'll pop the links in the show notes. Thank you. Later.
Kate [01:06:49]:
I think like you said, just just breaking down the barriers of nudity, like, you know, that you can see someone in all their beautiful form and just go this is normal, how you want to dress, how you look, how you present yourself is normal, there shouldn't be any shame. It's so funny a girl, you know, because we're always at the event sort of making sure everything's going well, and a girl ran past me and I grabbed her and I was like oh you just little nip slip happening' and she's like oh that's okay' and I and I kind of went oh yeah of course because you're
Freya Graf [01:07:18]:
at a party in lingerie'
Kate [01:07:20]:
but my interaction with was to go oh girlfriend come here like' and she was like, oh, no. That's alright. I'm like, oh, yeah. Of course. It's alright because you're in a party. It doesn't matter if
Freya Graf [01:07:28]:
you're out. Totally. It's so good for, like, deconditioning that, like, knee jerk response we have in us. Because, like, I had a similar kind of thing where, like yeah. I don't know. I'd see someone just on the dance floor, like, just being slightly more affectionate or touchy than maybe on just your average dance floor. And, like, there was this, like, split second where, like, it just glitched glitched me out. I was like, wait.
Freya Graf [01:07:55]:
What? Oh, yeah. And that's really cool because it just showed me that there were, like, these kind of social rules and expectations that I abide by without even consciously noticing, you know, out in public and in regular venues, and you can just let them all drop here, which was cool because then it sort of just rewired me for a bit. And yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Well, I feel like we've covered mostly everything I wanted to cover. Is there anything you wanted to, like, leave us with? Any parties coming up you wanna promote? The lady land is so down to come and, like, be a part of it, but no pressure. Yeah.
Freya Graf [01:08:41]:
It's been awesome chatting, though.
Kate [01:08:44]:
It has been wonderful. So we've got 2 upcoming parties as well as the boudoir that we do at the Melbourne Pavilion. We also do play, which is more there's no sort of it's smaller so there's no BDSM kink room though you can bring your own stuff and do what you like, and that's at the 3rd day in North Melbourne. So play is on Saturday July 13th at the 3rd day. It's, like a neon rave. It's all it's more about the dancing and the playing. It's it's like really good music. We have, all our events are, Virenia DJ crew do all of our events and they are wonderful.
Kate [01:09:21]:
They have some incredible DJs. So they that that's play and then our next, the boudoir, which is the one that you went to is on Friday, August 16th at the Melbourne Pavilion. 'Rabish Me Red' is the, is the theme, and so there's 30% off early bird tickets for both of them at the moment. I can't tell you when they end, but like soon, so if you want to get your tickets, get them now. Basically, yeah, so we will, we will have the Zenzil room at the Bootwire again, definitely. So we're gonna, we're actually gonna move it because people loved it, but it was too small. So they had moved from our main space. They've been with us from the beginning.
Kate [01:09:58]:
They moved from our main space to their own little room within the venue and people loved it, but it wasn't big enough so we're giving them a bigger room, so they'll be back with more bigger that are wonderful things. We still have our group play space. Yeah. Just, I'd like to shout out the Angels who are just like their ever changing growing, group of humans. They are incredible. They are absolutely incredible. We could not do what we do without them. Shout out to the Angels.
Kate [01:10:31]:
Beautiful. And, yeah, if people haven't been to a party before, all I can say is that we are welcoming, non judgmental. Come check it out, you know, and I'm sure there's something for everyone.
Freya Graf [01:10:43]:
Amazing. Love it. Maybe I'll get a get a little Labia Lounge discount code or something, and I'll I'll spook the event for you if you like. I mean, other than, obviously, this whole podcast about it. But, yeah, I'm I'm down. I'm an ambassador. I'm like, it's so funny because I've just always been so vanilla, and now I'm like, yeah. Yeah.
Freya Graf [01:11:02]:
Thanks for being so, yeah, open to chat and generous with with your time and information about this. I think you're doing a great job in a really difficult space to actually do well. And, yeah, if, I'll I'll put all the details for the events in the show notes, and that's a wrap, I reckon.
Kate [01:11:23]:
Thank you so much, Fair. Thank you for your time.
Freya Graf [01:11:26]:
No worries. And that's it, darling hearts. Thanks for stopping by the labia lounge. Your bum groove in the couch will be right where you left it, just waiting for you to sink back in for some more double l action next time. If you'd be a dear and subscribe, share this episode, or leave a review on iTunes, then you can pat yourself on the snatch because that's a downright act of sex positive feminist activism. And you'd be supporting my vision to educate, empower, demystify, and destigmatize with this here podcast. I'm also always open to feedback, topic ideas that you'd love to hear covered, questions or guest suggestions. So feel free to get in touch via my website or over on Insta.
Freya Graf [01:12:08]:
You can also send me and TMI stories to be shared anonymously on the pod. My handle is Freya Graff underscore the labia lounge, if my account hasn't been deleted for being too sex positive, which, you know, is always a possibility with censorship. But just in case the chronic censorship finally does obliterate my social channels, I'd highly recommend going and joining my mailing list and snagging yourself some fun freebies for the trouble at www.freaghraft.com/freebies. Anyway, later, labial legends. See you next time.