Straight up, I truly believe that the guys who are not only open and receptive to feedback and guidance in the sack, but welcome and embrace it as an opportunity to learn and grow, are the only guys you should fuck with.

True men can handle feedback and enjoy being told how you like to be touched or made love to.

- It gives them valuable info about you and your body, your desires and your needs to allow them to calibrate better to you intimately and sexually.

- It provides an opportunity for clear and mature communication which creates a safe container in which you can both explore, practice, learn and improve your skills as a lover.

- It sets the scene for playfulness and experimentation as you learn about one another’s bodies and likes/dislikes. 

Giving and receiving feedback in a loving, gentle and honest way is a gift that you can give to each other that will deepen your intimacy, strengthen your connection, and fast track you both to greater pleasure and satisfaction in your sexual dynamic.

This is because sex is like any other skillset that requires learning and practice.

How could you possibly be expected to know how to do something for that person if you don’t ask them if you’re doing it right?
I mean, you can fumble your way along and hopefully over time you’d get better at reading their bodies and figuring out what they enjoy, but it’s waaaay quicker and more effective just to have an open dialogue about it!

If you’re serious about improving on this, I have a super cheap training on this HERE!

What it’s hard to talk about sex and give and receive feedback in the bedroom

Now I understand that it isn’t always easy to talk about these things. I totally get that. 

It can feel awkward, crunchy, clunky, sticky, and a whole host of other uncomfortable descriptive words!

This is because we’re not taught how to communicate in a healthy and constructive way about much of anything, let alone this particularly delicate and emotive topic!

The realm of sexuality is fraught with shame and stigma, insecurities and taboo, embarrassment and discomfort. It’s not an easy thing to talk about - especially when you’re in the midst of it with somebody new!

Speaking up in the bedroom is hard for women…

It’s a difficult thing to navigate because on one hand, we women have been conditioned to feel unworthy of pleasure and as though our needs are not the priority.
We are naturally more empathetic and less assertive than men, and the way our culture has glorified the self sacrificing, people pleasing characteristics that we now associate with being a “good woman”, “good wife”, or “good mother” has created a stigma around a woman putting her own pleasure or needs first.
Often a woman will feel like she doesn’t even deserve pleasure or will feel guilty and uncomfortable with taking up time and space - in the world, but also in the bedroom. 

So, you see, she is already up against some pretty vicious conditioning that might prevent her from being confident or inclined to speak up about what she does or doesn’t like with a sexual partner.

Taking guidance in the bedroom is also hard for men…

Then on the other hand, we’ve got men who have been brought up to “have it all under control” and know what they’re doing without needing help.

(Think about the classic trope of the man who refuses to ask for directions when he’s lost with his wife and gets cranky if she tries to suggest they seek help!)

Men have suffered at the hands of the stupid patriarchy as well, darlings. They received messages from our culture about what it is to be a man that are just as damaging as the ones we received as women.
Society glorifies the hyper-masculine traits that lead men to feel that they have to do everything themselves and never seek help or support; never talk about their feelings or emotional experience; never admit that they maybe “don’t got this” or admit fault or flaw.

The pressure and expectations that are put on men to be these super experienced, self assured Sex Gods who can give us all the pleasure and make us squirt our juices over to the other side of the bedroom… Well, that’s a lot to live up to, a lot to carry for the poor sods! 

So it’s easy to see why some of them might feel triggered or confronted when they find themselves in a situation where they actually don’t know exactly what to do or how to do it to best please a partner, and the partner offers some feedback or direction.

All of a sudden it’s exposed that they aren’t these all-knowing, skilled-as-fuck lady killers, and this bruises their egos and dents their confidence.

They might get in their heads and start feeling emasculated or insecure about their ability to please their partner.
They might react badly to being told what to do or offered suggestions because it implies they don’t know how to do it properly.
They may just get all over think-y and lose their boners!

Being offered feedback or direction can be a deflating thing for a guy who’s been conditioned to believe that he must hold all the answers to unlocking a woman’s pleasure to be a real stud.

BUT while this is a rational enough explanation for why some dudes get butt-hurt when a gal tries to show him the way, it is still NOT AN EXCUSE. 

We all have our reasons for why the navigation of sexuality is challenging. I’m not denying that!

But when a man reacts poorly to a woman speaking up in the bedroom (in any of the ways described above) she automatically falls back into her default self-sacrificing tendencies and is less likely to bring up her needs or desires again for fear of upsetting him, “throwing him off his game”, or seeming too demanding or needy herself. 

It’s already hard enough for a woman to communicate about this stuff during sex (for reasons also mentioned above!), so when it’s not received with an eagerness to learn and please, she gets the message that it’s not okay to ask for what she wants and that it’s much easier just to stay quiet and let him do his thing, fragile ego intact. 

We very easily sacrifice our own needs to save someone else’s feelings or avoid awkwardness.

This has to stop. As does the sooking that goes on when a man can’t hack a bit of feedback.

Neither are serving us!

What to do about all this…

Personally, I stopped wasting time and energy on any sexual partner who couldn’t handle feedback, and as soon as I caught a glimpse of this behaviour where an expression of my needs became about his insecurities I’d see it as a red flag and bail!

However, sometimes there is hope and I don’t want to be without compassion for those men (or any gender, really) who might reform if given the chance. 

So I’ve written another article on how to go about tackling this if you’re seeing someone, or are someone, who struggles with communication around sex.

And if you try everything in that post and it still doesn’t help - well for fuck’s sake, DITCH ‘EM!